Humor Quotes Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor Quotes quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Life - with or without softener- is hard — Kate Papas

That's about as effective as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass. — Denise Tompkins

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels. — Ljupka Cvetanova

The sun doesn't live in England; it comes here on holiday when we're all at work. — Benny Bellamacina

People tell me I excel in Public Relations, what I suck at are private affairs. — Ioana-Cristina Casapu

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent. — Christy Hall

The truth is, I feel myself being fascinated and repelled by her: She's both a mirror of myself and a door to part of this island that I'm not. — Maggie Stiefvater

It is better to work in a prison than to live in one. — Brenda Winters

Deep down, he's shallow. — Peter De Vries

I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. — Olga Goa

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA. — The Covert Comic

She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"
Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"
For once Auto Correct got it right. — Christy Hall

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts — P.G. Wodehouse

If people can be convinced to pick up dog sh*t, who knows what social change is possible? — Franke James

Darkness is necessary for evolvement. — Lailah Gifty Akita

The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do. — Shannon L. Alder

I am not the worst thing that can happen to you, but I will be the last. ~Caesar~ The Goodbye Man. — A. Giannoccaro

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot. — R. Alan Woods

If you were three times poor, I would still have paid attention to you and fell head over heels in love with you. — Olga Goa

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

I think the word 'pleasure' is unknown to you. More precisely, its practical meaning. — Olga Goa

You can never fully trust the validity of quotes on the internet. — Abraham Lincoln

You know what I could use? A thrill. — Jim Moorman

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on — Josh Stern

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit. — Susan Lendroth

I don't mind people talking about me behind my back. It means they know me, and I'm out in front. — David Lucero

Even Google can't reach God. — Brian L. Tucker

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts. — Crystal Woods

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute. — Stewart Lee Beck

When value of your words gets lower its time to stay quite and improve your self — Maulik Shah

Holy crap, you are like a dog with a bone," I commented to Ryan.
"Or just one with a boner. — Stacey Marie Brown

Education is the best gift my parent gave me. — Lailah Gifty Akita

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored. — Dora J. Arod

And you haven't got a 'pause' button, have you? You are just uncontrollable! — Olga Goa

Ish #303 It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating. — Regina Griffin

If you go on touching me, I'll catch fire before your eyes. — Olga Goa

How could they think Noel was hot? If this was REALLY Versailles, Noel SO would not be Louis XIV, he would be the French version of the village idiot — Sara Shepard

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero. — Gaurav Rao

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but ... what? — Stacey Kade

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness. — Tui T. Sutherland

I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it's because I'm babysitting. — Richelle E. Goodrich

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell
when no one was around to be crushed. — Kresley Cole

Don't underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity. — Charles F. Glassman

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school's last bastion of patriarchal society. — G.G. Silverman

He is a unicorn. I want to gently capture him and bring him back to my lab for research. — Amanda Mosher

Searching through Monster while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married. — Crystal Woods

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys. — George R R Martin

If it's taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift. — Benny Bellamacina

Parenting fucked you up. — Abigail Barnette

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we're like Donald Duck. An' I think a lotta guys are afraid of that. — Jonathan Ashworth

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance? — Stewart Lee Beck

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands. — K.R. Grace

Great books live longer than people.
They are gonna bury us all. — Patricia Nedelea

It's not over, Maddie. It's still not over between us. We need to talk. — Miranda Liasson

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. — Ljupka Cvetanova

The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me. — Cassandra Clare

To cry in the memory of someone is not a problem at all rather it is a solution". — Nitin Yaduvanshi

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable. — Michaela Haze

He aimed at the lawyer's heart but missed it. It was a mistrial. — Natalya Vorobyova

If I'd known a sixty-niner was the way to your heart I would have done it weeks ago. — Amy Andrews

To err is human, to purr is feline. — Robert Byrne

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before. — Stewart Lee Beck

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs. — Jane Tara

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve — Lucian Bane

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again. — Vann Chow

Every Friday is black where I work. — The Covert Comic

HUMOR... I sprinkle that s#!t on EVERYTHING! — Tanya Masse

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again — Benny Bellamacina

I'm quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell. — Tanya Masse

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

The Standard Pace is for chumps. — Timothy Ferriss

Clarity and focus doesn't always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you. — Shannon L. Alder

Women in love are pathetic
and I cannot be bothered, for now,
I am back to metaphysics
and my armpits gather hair. — Mie Hansson

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! — Rick Riordan

My grandmother said sex was the best gift God ever gave to mankind-I think it is over rated. — Brenda Kay Winters

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

If I could bottle kindness, I wonder if formaldehyde would preserve it. — Amanda Mosher

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Scusi mia bella*, but it runs in the blood of all Italians to be skillful lovers. So you have to get used to this. — Olga Goa

Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since. — Anne Elizabeth Moore

Always walk as if you're running late, it's healthier. — Benny Bellamacina

Never trust your colleagues. Work politics are founded by them. — Adhish Mazumder

Whether you think you're right or you think you're wrong. You're right."
"If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint. — Krista Kedrick

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter ... with alliteration, no less! — E.A. Bucchianeri

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments — Albert Einstein

There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Please don't follow in my footsteps. I'm already knee-deep in them, and am sinking rapidly... — Tony James Slater

Ah, the meek. Playing the long game. Sneaky bastards. — Denise Mina

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone. — J.C. Patrick

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels. — The Covert Comic

I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend. — Augusten Burroughs

He was stretched out like he was her own personal playground and she wanted to ride on his equipment for a bit longer. — Amy Andrews

Welcome home. Now leave me alone. — Trish Doller

Humble pie tastes horrible but is great for the digestive system. — Sissy Silva

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass. — J.R.R. Tolkien

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself. — Meeta Ahluwalia