Humor Me Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Humor Me
Humor Me Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor Me quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Have i gone mad?
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are. — Lewis Carroll
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are. — Lewis Carroll
You need to be my wife to win with me.
— Pawan Mishra
The question isn't who will be with me in life, rather how will I create the ending I am proud of?
— Shannon L. Alder
But I've bought a big bat.
I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going
To have trouble with me! — Dr. Seuss
I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going
To have trouble with me! — Dr. Seuss
My fellow, you strike me at present as being situated in the moon, kingdom of dream, province of illusion, capital: Soap-Bubble.
— Victor Hugo
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Don't threaten me with a good time.
— Michael Anthony
I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey
— R.J. Dennis
When I dreamed about becoming a fantasy adventurer, I was always a max-level character with epic gear. Look at me. I'm wearing vendor trash.
— Noelle Alladania Meade
Do me a favor, Princess. The next time someone says they're going to kill you, don't just let them. -page 244 of Winter
— Marissa Meyer
You call that caring?! I call it a line of crap! The only thing you cared about begins with an "F" and ends with me losing my virginity!
— Maggie Adams
There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point.
— David Sedaris
Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?
— Jim Butcher
Typically, I prefer to gag my own men. I'd never considered having them delivered to me that way.
— Dez Schwartz
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
— Steven Wright
Dear Teddy, you are without a doubt the best boyfriend in the world. You're kind. You're generous. You threaten to maim people for me. -- Billy
— Allan Heinberg
I've been firmly grounded in reality since I was a child, and I'm still waiting for it to impress me.
— Jessica Conoley
Are you trying not to give me information? Or is cryptic your only way of communicating?
— Robyn Jones
You threw a bomb at me Jerry...frowny face.
— S.L.J. Shortt
You can tell all that about me from your measuring tape?'
'Well, I use the metric system, It's the only way to get really exact numbers. — Catherynne M Valente
'Well, I use the metric system, It's the only way to get really exact numbers. — Catherynne M Valente
I've learned to let my characters speak and act the way they want to! I've tried to interfere but they just get angry at me and throw big rocks.
— Shandy L. Kurth
They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!
— Neil Leckman
Let's talk about the homoerotic undertones in sports," she said.
Paul thrust his head forward as if he hadn't heard right. "Excuse me? — Deirdre Martin
Paul thrust his head forward as if he hadn't heard right. "Excuse me? — Deirdre Martin
What do you want from me, Maggie? Advice? Absolution? Go forth and be a bitch no more.
— Molly Harper
Excruciating agony makes me cranky.
— Brandon Mull
I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.
— Richard Kadrey
Guild doesn't like me."
"That's true."
"He doesn't like you, ether."
"That is mystifying. — Derek Landy
"That's true."
"He doesn't like you, ether."
"That is mystifying. — Derek Landy
The fuck are you staring at? I hiss at the stranger staring at me in my rearview. Oh, wait, that's me.
— Sean Murphy
What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan's big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass.
— J.L. McCoy
Trust me-that toilet and me were best friends for the first few days I was here.
— Alexander Gordon Smith
Really? well, thank you. I was under the impression you wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire
— Abbi Glines
How did you find me?"
"You were lying in the grass a metre away from me. It wasn't rocket science. — Maggie Stiefvater
"You were lying in the grass a metre away from me. It wasn't rocket science. — Maggie Stiefvater
I've got a tip." "Me, too. Let a smile be your umbrella and you're gonna get your dumb ass wet.
— J.D. Robb
And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is
— Larry Wall
Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?
— Janet Evanovich
It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day.
— Dorothy Parker
God, don't laugh!" Jamie said, alarmed. "I didna mean to make ye laugh! Christ, Jenny will kill me if ye cough up a lung and die out here!
— Diana Gabaldon
Nick: I had a great time. ;)
Delilah: Are you winking at me?
Nick: No, I had something in my emoticon eye ~ — M.D. Saperstein
Delilah: Are you winking at me?
Nick: No, I had something in my emoticon eye ~ — M.D. Saperstein
So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right".
— Neil Leckman
Lord, give me a sense of humor so that I may take some happiness from this life and share it with others.
— Thomas More
Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
— Mark Watson
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
— Zach Galifianakis
I've got two backs, me - and I'm glad! Tits can be ... mwa, I know, but they're always in the bloody road. Even in bed.
— Martin Amis
How does knowing 'things could be worse' than what I already deem awful make me feel any better? You mean I could sink even lower? Oh joy!
— Richelle E. Goodrich
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
— Mitch Hedberg
What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off?
— Parker S. Huntington
All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended.
— Kurt Sutter
Dr Adams was following my orders if you want to blame someone blame me -casius
oh i do,I'm just so pissed i had extra left over - Jace — D.D. Barant
oh i do,I'm just so pissed i had extra left over - Jace — D.D. Barant
Shall we go?' he murmured, perhaps regretting his decision to show me his army of plastic cartoon figurines.
— Jon Ronson
Don't Tase Me Bro!
If I'm a cop, and I'm a brotha, and they let me have a taser? Sorry bro, I'm tasing you. — Larry Wilmore
If I'm a cop, and I'm a brotha, and they let me have a taser? Sorry bro, I'm tasing you. — Larry Wilmore
A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.
— Nenia Campbell
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
— Tim Vine
Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!
— Rick Riordan
Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!
— Mark Twain
God in his infinite wisdom
Did not make me very wise-
So when my actions are stupid
They hardly take God by surprise. — Langston Hughes
Did not make me very wise-
So when my actions are stupid
They hardly take God by surprise. — Langston Hughes
He looks me up and down blankly. 'So. No Speedos?'
'I left them in my other bag with my muscle shirts and tanning spray. You? — Melissa Keil
'I left them in my other bag with my muscle shirts and tanning spray. You? — Melissa Keil
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
— Dorothy Parker
For me, it would be very difficult to express an opinion about our times without humor. I don't think you could do that.
— Camille Henrot
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
— Mitch Hedberg
In a deep sexy voice, she said Windows don't turn me on.
I raised an eyebrow at her, Mac user? — Diane Mott Davidson
I raised an eyebrow at her, Mac user? — Diane Mott Davidson
Did you hear that! Yuki, the heartless Yuki! Heartless Yuki has begged me with tears to let him visit my shop!
— Natsuki Takaya
My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.
— Yelle Hughes
You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church?
— Liliana Hart
Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks. — Richelle Mead
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks. — Richelle Mead
Everyone likes me. It's my curse.
— David Nicholls
Smartass Disciple: Master, that guy's teaching is somehow annoying me.
Master of Stupidity: Only as long as you stay tuned for pissed-off channel. — Toba Beta
Master of Stupidity: Only as long as you stay tuned for pissed-off channel. — Toba Beta
cats on hot bricks could take hints from me
— P.G. Wodehouse
Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn't have tried to turn ya into a snake.
— Michelle M. Pillow
I really hate sitcoms on television with canned laughter and stuff. What really makes me laugh is the real-life stuff. I've got a dry sense of humor.
— Katie Price
If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
— Eugene Mirman
I've never been bothered with my conduct. I've only been bothered by people that don't get it correct when they gossip about me.
— Shannon L. Alder
I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?
— Jesse Ball
God save me from idealists.
— Jim Butcher
Why a woman turns fifty and certain people to whom she gave birth start thinking she should be wearing orthopedic shoes is completely beyond me.
— Kelly Hunter
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
— Mitch Hedberg
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
— Henny Youngman
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
— Michelle Hodkin
What did you want me to do? Ask him for money?
— Mariana Zapata