Humor At Work Quotes

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. — Mitch Hedberg

I hope you feel better today. Please ring me at work if you are dead. — Jaclyn Moriarty

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing. — Scott Adams

He was one of those diplomats who like and know how to work, and, despite his laziness, he occasionally spent nights at his desk. — Leo Tolstoy

The sun doesn't live in England; it comes here on holiday when we're all at work. — Benny Bellamacina

You think you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's only some bugger with a torch bringing you more work. — David Brent

Llarimar had told him to do his best. That sounded like an awful lot of work. Unfortunately, doing nothing was beginning to seem like even MORE work. — Brandon Sanderson

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon — Oscar Wilde

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. — Neil Gaiman

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. — Robert Benchley

It was like he was in a contest to see who could do the least work, only he was the only contestant. — Catherine Gilbert Murdock

It is better to work in a prison than to live in one. — Brenda Winters

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days.. — Billy Connolly

I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month. — Marilyn Pappano

I manage through a sense of humor. We all work hard, and work has to be a really interesting, fun place. And that has to start at the top. — Carol Bartz

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode. — Don Roff

When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work. — Brandon Mull

The best work never was and never will be done for money. — John Ruskin

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. — Bill Watterson

I think we got some work done, back at the start, because nobody knew us, nobody bothered us - and we had no money. — Robert M. Edsel

Can't you home school me?" Nate pleaded.
"You would never do any work." (Nate's mom)
"Sounds perfect! — Brandon Mull

Every time I hear about somebody who wins a never-work-again sum in the lottery but keeps his or her day job I think, not a book person. — Amy Smith

I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way. — John Zorn

Your mind is just like a parachute ! if you don't open it, it won't work ! — Tom Evans

Why is it that a man always stops to admire another man's work at the worst possible time? — James Flerlage

I think it needs work. Like all your other songs."
"Yeah, well, your face will need some work after I give you a good beatin'. — Kami Garcia

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess. — Honeya

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

Work with Evangeline Black? I'd rather be slit open from navel to nose." -CORBIN BLUE
"Good thing I always carry a knife." -EVIE BLACK — Gena Showalter

It's funny how things work out sometimes. — Anthony Horowitz

Lots of people in history have only done their jobs and look at the trouble they caused — Terry Pratchett

If we want less and less, we may in fact receive more and more of what we need. It may work like that. — Art Hochberg

Every Friday is black where I work. — The Covert Comic

If I have a spreadsheet that can, whatever, turn soup cans into gold, wouldn't I deserve an office? — Charlie Close

Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it. — Sue Grafton

I wish there were more humor in my work than I see in it. — Jasper Johns

If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first. — Honeya

Have you tried talking to her?"
"No. We've been punching her in the face repeatedly. What? You don't think that will work? — Cassandra Clare

In rough times, pathfinders rely on work, friends, humor and prayer. They develop a support network. — Gail Sheehy

I know lots of things you don't"
"Name five."
"The Grand Unification Theory, tax law, binary, the capital of Azerbailan, and how tractors work. — Daniel Nayeri

I'm sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to. — Brandon Sanderson

A work of art is an act of love. Critics are crab lice. — David Gerrold

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard. — Carl Sandburg

Never trust your colleagues. Work politics are founded by them. — Adhish Mazumder

I still doubt it will work."
"You'd doubt the sun's rising if you weren't proven wrong each day," Raoden
said with a smile. — Brandon Sanderson

I think my work here is done. Breakfast and multiple orgasms...You won't get that at your favorite diner. — Toni Aleo

I was thinking that work is like fertilizer in that I'm glad it exists; I just don't ever want to get stuck in it. — Brandon Sanderson

The time for useful work flies fast. Why talk of being in the humor? Who hesitates will never be. — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I am Valentino Rossi. If I stay in MotoGP it is to try to win. When that is not possible it is time to stay at home and work in the garden! — Valentino Rossi

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work. — Thomas Bernhard

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. — Mel Brooks

Are you fighting evil tonight? ... Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up. — James R Tuck

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think. — Terry Pratchett

I don't have any babies or ambition. I have it all! — Nan Little

Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don't.
There's just not much middle ground when it comes to technology. — Dani Harper

Uh, yeah - how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me. — Tahereh Mafi

This is our life now: slaving away in thankless, monotonous jobs and spending half our salaries on fattening food. — Katrina Ramos Atienza

Falling in love means your reserve chute didn't work as you hurtled back to earth — Josh Stern

I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out. — Robin Brande

Last hopeless chances have got to work. Nothing makes sense otherwise. You might as well not be alive. — Terry Pratchett

Demon - with the highest respect for you - behold your work! — Charles Dickens

Just 'Your mother.'" But it doesn't work if girls say it to each other," she continues. "You have to have a penis for it to affect you in such a way. — Melina Marchetta

Sometimes, there is no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day. — Antoine De Saint-Exupery

I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain. — Carlos Ruiz Zafon

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. — Jerome K. Jerome

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I'm taking a break from it tonight. I'll be back at it tomorrow. — C.C. Alma

Transparency, honesty, kindness, good stewardship, even humor, work in businesses at all times. — John Gerzema

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. — Mark Twain

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway. — Wallace Wang

Wizard's work was a pleasure and a madness. No wonder the university magicians rambled at times like daft bastards. — Lita Burke

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. — Charles Lamb

When People in sales are at work, they are at war. — Honeya

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck. — Craig Ferguson