Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humor

Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I'm still convinced you're doing my GTO, you bastard. — J.R. Ward

Don't take me under your wing and tell me that scent is duck sauce — Josh Stern

What's proper workplace etiquette for picking up computer and tossing out window? Open window first or break glass? — Abigail Roux

He's cutting off circulation to my balls! If you want great grandchildren, woman, do something! Joshua sputtered — R.L. Mathewson

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us! — Katt Williams

As you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs ... — Marian Keyes

Don't threaten me with a good time. — Michael Anthony

I miss my suits... — Eoin Colfer

I thought you guys were doing some kind of secret role-playing shit. — M.D. Saperstein

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life. — Fran Lebowitz

When the world is mine, then you all will be the 99.9%. — Scott Jonathan Nixon

There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point. — David Sedaris

I found that things weren't going well upstairs.
Carter was a crumpled heap of chicken warrior on the slope of the pyramid. — Rick Riordan

I don't even want to know someone who isn't barely hanging on by a thread. — Amy Schumer

We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull. — Cassandra Clare

Even celebrities, most people have a sense of humor. Most of the people we meet who we've done on the show, like it. — Matt Stone

Then what are you? An electronic Hannibal Lector? You can't eat my liver with fava beans through a modem, you know. — Dean Koontz

English is my second language. Laughter is my first. — Paul Krassner

First Pallas and now you," the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. "It's like I'm running a goddamn dating service around here. — Julie James

Dear Teddy, you are without a doubt the best boyfriend in the world. You're kind. You're generous. You threaten to maim people for me. -- Billy — Allan Heinberg

Yeah. You know what I think?"
What?"
So intense was Tibby, she had practically shoved the phone into her ear cavity.
She has big boobies. — Ann Brashares

We watched Vamps hunting Vamps, Vamp hunters and Witches torching Vamps, teenage girls kissing Vamps. And we giggled and swooned through it all. — Shelly Crane

How can I wear a leather suit that does not carry the stains of wine and blood?" asks CT, and Gustav does not answer; of course it was rhetorical — Alissa Nutting

Well you can't believe everything you read. After all, by definition, fiction writers lie for a living. — Janette Rallison

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!! — Neil Leckman

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this? — Terry Pratchett

Good grief. They're like the freaking poster family for the NRA. — Elisabeth Wheatley

Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride. — Cassandra Clare

Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind. — Paula Wall

Foget Murphy's Law. Nixe's Law: if you were waiting to make a left turn, there was always one oncoming fucktard who sailed through on the red. — Mary Hughes

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" — Jim Gaffigan

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. — George Carlin

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

Now breathe or I'll do it for you. — Shana Galen

Somehow the pantsless gay man is not bringing the romance, Scott. — Bryan Lee O'Malley

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something — Mary Elizabeth Summer

Nothing, Basil. I'll see you in a few,"
Fine, and it's Lord Basil."
Even in the bedroom?"
Especially in the bedroom. — Adrian Phoenix

Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers. — William Shakespeare

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on. — Solange Nicole

Twenty to life, she got, with time off for good behavior. You come around next spring. I'll introduce you. — Alfred Hitchcock

i just wanna eat your face! — Rainbow Rowell

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up! — Rick Riordan

For me, it would be very difficult to express an opinion about our times without humor. I don't think you could do that. — Camille Henrot

You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen. — Kristin Cashore

I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain. — James Patterson

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn't marry an idiot. — Julia Quinn

I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff. — Brandon Sanderson

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student. — Paul Graham

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable — Josh Stern

Never let your character say "how could it get any worse" ... it always does. — Kimi Alexandre

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. — Bill Watterson

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess. — Honeya

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

In a case such as this, unless an entire army is available, the safest number of men will be one. We have no army, and therefore I will go. — Nicole Sager

[ ... ] whose round face was a sad pink and white topographical map of adolescence. — John L. Parker Jr.

Looks like it's game time," Shame said. "Beautiful day for some ass kicking, don't you think? — Devon Monk

Deborah's little house was lavishly decorated in I-have-no-life modern. — Jeff Lindsay

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

I know the fucking Bible, and there ain't no fucking Book of Leviathan. — Dan Simmons

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki. — Karen Harper

The Quit Man cometh, his minion at his heels. — John Corey Whaley

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but ... what? — Stacey Kade

Out of the way! We are in the throes of an exceptional emergency! This is no occassion for sport- there is lace at stake! (Ms. Pole) — Elizabeth Gaskell

I was hoping against hope he'd refill his Prozac so we could be in love again, but, sadly, that never happened. — Piper Faust

Well, how did you die, then?" the old man finally asked.
"Die?" Matthew threw back. "Are you crazy? I'm not dead. I'm just very late. — J. Tonzelli

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3). — Jeremy Clarkson

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. — Terry Pratchett

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. — Lois Greiman

Did they look like psychos? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them - I don't give a fuck how crazy they are! — Seth Gecko

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier. — Lois Greiman

B, hows your aim? — Quinn Loftis

Humor is the pensiveness of wit. — Robert Aris Willmott

When the boogie man goes to sleep he checks his closet for me — Chuck Norris

His lips look like two worms fucking. — George R R Martin

{Victor} was no exception to a rule of Alun's that men over fifty who took care of themselves were not to be trusted. — Kingsley Amis

In a deep sexy voice, she said Windows don't turn me on.
I raised an eyebrow at her, Mac user? — Diane Mott Davidson

If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry.
"That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya — George R R Martin

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

A good joke doesn't necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one's own deserving jokes. — Pawan Mishra

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead. — David Mamet

Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that's beautiful. — Rashida Jones

The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks. — James Mackintosh

If you hear a different drummer, don't march - dance! — Carolyn V. Hamilton

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. — Jon Stewart

If life is a game... I need new dice! — Jay Little

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that means
Poor Justin! — Sarah Strohmeyer

I think it needs work. Like all your other songs."
"Yeah, well, your face will need some work after I give you a good beatin'. — Kami Garcia

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire. — Jim Norton

Did you hear that! Yuki, the heartless Yuki! Heartless Yuki has begged me with tears to let him visit my shop! — Natsuki Takaya

I know they say that a stiff dick has no conscience, but I tell you now that some cunts have teeth ... — Stephen King

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. — Arthur Schopenhauer

I'm not sure I've turned your Commander inside out, but I can assure you if that iron skillet was empty, I would bring him down a peg or two. — Julia Mills