Humor Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Humor
Humor Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
What's proper workplace etiquette for picking up computer and tossing out window? Open window first or break glass?
— Abigail Roux
He's cutting off circulation to my balls! If you want great grandchildren, woman, do something! Joshua sputtered
— R.L. Mathewson
As you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs ...
— Marian Keyes
Don't threaten me with a good time.
— Michael Anthony
I miss my suits...
— Eoin Colfer
I thought you guys were doing some kind of secret role-playing shit.
— M.D. Saperstein
The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.
— Fran Lebowitz
When the world is mine, then you all will be the 99.9%.
— Scott Jonathan Nixon
I found that things weren't going well upstairs. Carter was a crumpled heap of chicken warrior on the slope of the pyramid. — Rick Riordan
Even celebrities, most people have a sense of humor. Most of the people we meet who we've done on the show, like it.
— Matt Stone
Then what are you? An electronic Hannibal Lector? You can't eat my liver with fava beans through a modem, you know.
— Dean Koontz
English is my second language. Laughter is my first.
— Paul Krassner
Dear Teddy, you are without a doubt the best boyfriend in the world. You're kind. You're generous. You threaten to maim people for me. -- Billy
— Allan Heinberg
Yeah. You know what I think?"What?"
So intense was Tibby, she had practically shoved the phone into her ear cavity.
She has big boobies. — Ann Brashares
How can I wear a leather suit that does not carry the stains of wine and blood?" asks CT, and Gustav does not answer; of course it was rhetorical
— Alissa Nutting
Well you can't believe everything you read. After all, by definition, fiction writers lie for a living.
— Janette Rallison
Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds.
— Dave Barry
In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
— Terry Pratchett
Good grief. They're like the freaking poster family for the NRA.
— Elisabeth Wheatley
Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.
— Cassandra Clare
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
— Mitch Hedberg
Now breathe or I'll do it for you.
— Shana Galen
Somehow the pantsless gay man is not bringing the romance, Scott.
— Bryan Lee O'Malley
people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something
— Mary Elizabeth Summer
Nothing, Basil. I'll see you in a few,"Fine, and it's Lord Basil."
Even in the bedroom?"
Especially in the bedroom. — Adrian Phoenix
Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.
— William Shakespeare
Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.
— Elizabeth Eulberg
Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.
— Solange Nicole
Twenty to life, she got, with time off for good behavior. You come around next spring. I'll introduce you.
— Alfred Hitchcock
i just wanna eat your face!
— Rainbow Rowell
Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!
— Rick Riordan
For me, it would be very difficult to express an opinion about our times without humor. I don't think you could do that.
— Camille Henrot
You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.
— Kristin Cashore
I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.
— James Patterson
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
— Mitch Hedberg
I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff.
— Brandon Sanderson
I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
— Bill Watterson
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
— Henny Youngman
![Humor Quotes By John L. Parker Jr.: [ ... ] whose round face was a](https://www.wisefamousquotes.com/images/humor-quotes-by-john-l-parker-jr-1283.jpg "Humor Quotes By John L. Parker Jr.: [ ... ] whose round face was a")
[ ... ] whose round face was a sad pink and white topographical map of adolescence.
— John L. Parker Jr.
Looks like it's game time," Shame said. "Beautiful day for some ass kicking, don't you think?
— Devon Monk
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown
The Quit Man cometh, his minion at his heels.
— John Corey Whaley
Out of the way! We are in the throes of an exceptional emergency! This is no occassion for sport- there is lace at stake! (Ms. Pole)
— Elizabeth Gaskell
I was hoping against hope he'd refill his Prozac so we could be in love again, but, sadly, that never happened.
— Piper Faust
If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3).
— Jeremy Clarkson
Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.
— Terry Pratchett
Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.
— Lois Greiman
Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.
— Lois Greiman
B, hows your aim?
— Quinn Loftis
Humor is the pensiveness of wit.
— Robert Aris Willmott
His lips look like two worms fucking.
— George R R Martin
{Victor} was no exception to a rule of Alun's that men over fifty who took care of themselves were not to be trusted.
— Kingsley Amis
In a deep sexy voice, she said Windows don't turn me on.I raised an eyebrow at her, Mac user? — Diane Mott Davidson
If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry. "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya — George R R Martin
The ballgame is over ... in this inning.
— Jerry Coleman
A good joke doesn't necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one's own deserving jokes.
— Pawan Mishra
Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that's beautiful.
— Rashida Jones
The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
— James Mackintosh
If you hear a different drummer, don't march - dance!
— Carolyn V. Hamilton
If life is a game... I need new dice!
— Jay Little
Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.""Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger
I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.
— Michael Summers
I think it needs work. Like all your other songs.""Yeah, well, your face will need some work after I give you a good beatin'. — Kami Garcia
Did you hear that! Yuki, the heartless Yuki! Heartless Yuki has begged me with tears to let him visit my shop!
— Natsuki Takaya
I know they say that a stiff dick has no conscience, but I tell you now that some cunts have teeth ...
— Stephen King
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
— Arthur Schopenhauer
