Funny Witty Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny Witty

Funny Witty Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Witty quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do" — Robert Breault

It was a typically British birth ... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward ... I came out in sympathy. — Bob Hope

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling — Robert Breault

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. — Edith Summerskill, Baroness Summerskill

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself. — George Burns

As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling. — Mary Wortley Montagu

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. — Terry Pratchett

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang. — Amit Kalantri

I may just be on the outskirts of being okay. — Pawan Mishra

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? — Billy Connolly

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought — Robert Breault

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down! — Dave Chappelle

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. — Ogden Nash

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all. — Johnny Depp

You promise?"
"I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now. — Derek Landy

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems. — Amit Kalantri

The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience. — David C. Holley

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. — James M. Loy

Tell them to stand closer apart. — Samuel Goldwyn

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. — George Carlin

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. — Mignon McLaughlin

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer. — Mita Jain

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink. — Scott Lynch

Pickup lines never work ... I think someone clever, witty and funny is very attractive. — Kate Upton

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light. — Woody Allen

Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing? — James Roday

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger. — Derek Landy

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. — Groucho Marx

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money. — Will Rogers

Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities. — Oscar Wilde

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I'm a great multitasker. — Holly Hood

I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen. — Holly Hood

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. — Francois De La Rochefoucauld

In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. — Joan Didion

I love making friends ... it's people I can't stand. — Linus Torvalds

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. — Robert A. Heinlein

All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful. — Amit Kalantri

You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference. — Amit Kalantri

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness. — Mark Twain

Spanish - how shall I say this? - is like
Portuguese spoken with a speech impediment. — Sol Luckman

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere." — David Frost

Freud is all nonsense; the secret of neurosis is to be found in the family battle of wills to see who can refuse the longest to help with the dishes. — Julian Mitchell

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby. — Chuck Palahniuk

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting. — Finley Peter Dunne

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is! — T.T. Faulkner

Between funny and witty
Falls the shadow — Stephen Fry

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro. — Rucy Ban

Quote from In Love of Honey, Money....and My Virgin Passport

If you think you've the most wicked sense of humour, try life! — Mita Jain

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead. — Benjamin Franklin

Well, enough of this introspection. It's depressing, quite frankly. — Sol Luckman

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge — Robert Breault

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account ... — Hiroko Sakai

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there. — Amit Kalantri

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. — Corey Ford

He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable — Emma Goldrick

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. — Larry Gelbart

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. — Robert Brault

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first! — Susan Kay

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile. — Zane Stumpo

Laurence the last time I saw something like you I flushed it away. — Mark A. Cooper

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese — Lucian Bane

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? — Pawan Mishra

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge. — Confucius

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white. — Gail Carriger

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero. — Gaurav Rao

Men weigh love with hands. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. — Scott Adams

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent. — James Dashner

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I love people; it's mankind I can't stand. — Charles M. Schulz

The equation for ego is: One over Knowledge. — Albert Einstein

Friends from America!(Translation:"Tourist with Money")Look this way! — Amanda Hudson

Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past. — Erica Jong

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Will Rogers

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker. — Robert De Niro

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things. — James Dashner

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. — David Eddings

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. — Suzanne Collins

Witty and mean is easy - but fond and funny is hard. — Steven Moffat

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty. — Ashleigh Brilliant

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants — Dave Beard

The phone beeped - M fine but these two guys R on me like cougars on Adam Lambert. — Elisabeth Staab

I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious. — Don Roff

How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?" Laurence whined.
"I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. — Mark A. Cooper

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate? — Sol Luckman

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

You belong in an insane asylum, you know that?"
"Maybe my next case... — R.R. Virdi

I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner! — Jasleen Kaur Gumber

I've often been criticised, but never critically wounded — Johnny Rich

I can see why they named that ballet the Nutcracker. It's gotta hurt having 'em crushed in something that tight. — Mark A. Cooper

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter. — Jim Carrey

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ... — Hiroko Sakai

Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you. — Oscar Wilde

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour. — Nancy Springer

(About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. — Terry Pratchett

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. — Freddie Mercury