Funny Wife Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Funny Wife
Funny Wife Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Wife quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
— Larry David
Apparently officers are not 'men'. Officers are 'officers'.
— Aditi Mathur Kumar
No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years.
— Tom Smothers
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
— Rodney Dangerfield
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
— Henny Youngman
The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.
— Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?
— Stephanie Lennox
I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
— Jerry Seinfeld
It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.
— Charles Barkley
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
— Bob Monkhouse
There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up.
— R.R. Virdi
Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows.
— Wendy Lichtman
Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried.
— Charles Caleb Colton
The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.
— Alfred Hitchcock
I'm funny at home too, but not deliberately. My wife is usually laughing at me rather than with me.
— Daniel Dae Kim
Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
— Les Dawson
Rick to Herschel: My wife is pregnant. That is either a gift here, or a death sentence out there.
— The Walking Dead
Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
— Richard Belzer
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
— Red Skelton
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
— Bill Cosby
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
— Chic Murray
Opposities are married.
— Ljupka Cvetanova
Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.
— Dave Mordal
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ...
— Dashiell Hammett
My wife's a loving, funny, Irish-spirited person, and I'm still surprised at some of the things she says. She makes me laugh every day.
— Gary Sinise
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
— Jeff Foxworthy
It's funny - my wife is more jealous of my books than of other women because I'm always working and thinking about my books.
— Antonio Lobo Antunes
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
— Bob Monkhouse
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
— Groucho Marx
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
— Henny Youngman
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
— Rodney Dangerfield
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
— Frank Carson
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
— Frank Carson
That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.
— Moby
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
— Henny Youngman
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.
— Rowan Atkinson
If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.
— Benjamin Mancroft, 3rd Baron Mancroft
There is strong. There is Army Strong. And then there is Army Wife Strong.
— Aditi Mathur Kumar
I don't know how breeder marriages ever work, since the wife never seems to understand.
— Andrea Speed
We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.
— M.F. Moonzajer
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.
— Lord Chesterfield
My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday.
— Rodney Dangerfield
There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'
— William Cosmo Monkhouse
Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.
— Walter Matthau
My biggest influence is someone I really don't know at all: Tina Fey. Smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, also a mom and a wife.
— Laura Benanti
There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. — Jake Wizner
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. — Jake Wizner
You're far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You're far better suited as a wife.
— Lisa Kleypas
Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife
— Ruth Downie
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I got me a fine wife and I got me old fiddle, when the suns coming up I got cakes on the griddle. And life ain't nothing, but a funny, funny riddle.
— John Denver
Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?
~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon
~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon
He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.
— Ljupka Cvetanova
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
— Henny Youngman
Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
— Mark Watson
Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.
— Aditi Mathur Kumar
Penard's got a secret baby!' Fifteen-year-old Richard twisted his lips up at one end. 'Maybe he has a secret wife in the attic!
— Olivia Newport
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
— Frank Carson
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
— Henny Youngman
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
— Bob Monkhouse
Besides, what do I know about being a wife? There are much more important qualities to have than a docile disposition.
— C.J. Redwine
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
— Henny Youngman
She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
— Frankie Boyle
I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.
— Frank Skinner