Funny Kids Quotes

God turned out to be a bunch of bad little kids playing interstellar Xbox. Isn't that funny? — Stephen King

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child. — Dr. Seuss

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids. — Jim Norton

Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids — Harvey MacKay

I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks. — Hayden Thorne

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. — Dane Cook

Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that's not already taken. — Anonymous

My parents' marriage is a gift to everyone around them - 60 years of making their kids laugh. How many parents are actually funny? — Louise Erdrich

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. — Jim Norton

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear ... from my future Kids' Funny Business. — Ivan Stoikov

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago! — Bill Cosby

I remember getting a Phoenix Suns T-shirt. I had that Phoenix Suns T-shirt forever. It's the funny things you remember as a kid, but it was a blast. — Jonathan Lipnicki

It's hysterical how kids have their own personalities, even at like 3 or 4. And, it's funny what they tend to like. — Khloe Kardashian

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."

Mommy-- "What? — Mel Brown

No tricks, Syn," Ryder growled from where he stood a few feet away.
"Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit," I said — Amelia Hutchins

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When? — Bill Hicks

Kids cannot follow stories. They don't know what the hell is going on in a cartoon. They like to see funny visual things happening. — John Kricfalusi

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. — Steven Wright

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice. — Karl Pilkington

I've always liked being funny and making people laugh. I was a cut-up when I was a kid, and was always doing bits for my friends and family. — Busy Philipps

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool. — Noel Fielding

Whenever anyone finds out there are seven kids in my family, the imagine my mom and dad having sex. — Rachel DeWoskin

I have this weird obsession with kids and old people falling. Like, funny falls. It is awful, but it's the thing that makes me laugh the most. — Malin Akerman

It's funny how when your kids get sick, they get even cuter when they have a stuffed nose and they mouth breathe. — David Walton

When I was a kid, I read comics. But when I saw how funny it was, and how wonderfully absurd, I said, "You know, I gotta do this." — Adam West

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other's clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz. — Rick Riordan

People worried too much about their children. Suffering when you're young is good for you. It immunized your body and soul ... — Jeannette Walls

It's funny the more technological advanced everything gets, the more like acting in your bedroom when you're a kid it is. — Michael Sheen

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. — Mike Birbiglia

What I would do in order to be popular was, I'd put myself on line and joke around and be funny, and I was always known as the crazy kid. — Leonardo DiCaprio

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him. — Noel Fielding

I wish there were jokes in the cat world," Buddy sighed. "Want to try to one? Let's think of a prank we can pull on the boys. — Gretchen Preston

I have 4 kids already, I don't need anymore. I'm a single parent. I'm taking them through Europe and make them play funny instruments. — Ville Valo

Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. — Ben Berger

I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare. — Steve Coogan

I feel cheesy when I see 'Silver Spoons.' Some of it was funny, but some of it was just cheese! My kids love it, but I look at it and cringe. — Ricky Schroder

There are just so many funny kids and teenagers. They're just not aware of how funny they are. — Vanessa Bayer

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. — Rodney Dangerfield

Be funny on a golf course? Do I kid my best friend's mother about her heart condition? — Phil Silvers

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. — Lewis Black

Some people won't have kids, but I'm not going to have parents. I'm burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight. — Bauvard

I love my brothers' kids. It's funny - as an uncle, you become so protective of them. — Liam Hemsworth

So you do read the papers. Usually kids your age need a bomb up their backsides, but it's good to see you've got your wits about you. — Cecelia Ahern

while there's a lot that I don't know about the world, I do know that kids have a funny way of helping you keep things in perspective. — Nicholas Sparks

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. — Andre Dawson

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am. — Ade Bozzay

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. — Noel Fielding

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids. — Katy Perry

So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude. — David Cross

Maybe that is why kids like Dumbledore: because he is funny rather than a miserable old sod with a long white beard. — Michael Gambon

On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night. — John Bishop

There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about. — Criss Jami

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake. — Eoin Colfer

Like I said before, kids were okay from a distance, but I didn't think they'd ever replace hamsters. — Janet Evanovich

What did you want me to do? Ask him for money? — Mariana Zapata

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail! — Chris Rock

Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees. — Tom Trebelhorn

Mama!' Rosie tugged on my shirt. 'This broccoli is tasty and wonderful'. — Curtis Sittenfeld

Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen. — Jill Shalvis

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia. — Russell Brand

Data is your Beta... — Kshitij Bhatia

I know how to make adults laugh pretty well. I don't know if kids think I'm that funny. — Tom Bodett

You're nasty and you're loud,
you're mean enough for two,
If I could be a cloud,
I'd rain all day on you. — Jack Prelutsky

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot. — Bo Burnham

I happen to be very good with younger actors because I have extremely vivid memories of that time of my life, and kids are just funny. — David M. Evans

I love kids; I think they are fun and funny. — Courtney Thorne-Smith

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school ... who failed math. — Dat Phan

everything is negotiable. everything. — Kay M. Rutherford

Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny. — Steve Martin

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! — Mike Birbiglia

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear. — Amy Schumer

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? — Carroll Bryant

The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. — Bill Gates

It's funny, there are so many women who are former executives and have taken all that stress and anxiety and transferred it onto their kids. — Ana Gasteyer

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. — Scott Adams

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged. — Andrea L'Artiste

The thing I don't get about paedophilia ... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy? — Frankie Boyle

I get paid for what most kids get punished for. — Jerry Lewis

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it. — Dick Armey

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. — Anthony Jeselnik

What are you boys doing?" she asks, as if we're still little kids messing around.
"Arguin'," Carlos says matter-of-factly. — Simone Elkeles

When I play discos in Belfast or freshers' week in Oxford, there are 1,800 kids dressed as me. It's odd, it's funny, and it pays really well. — David Hasselhoff

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. — Russell Howard

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year. — Derek The Ghost

That's the funny thing about havin' a kid. They come with their own set of problems; make everything else you were worried about seem kinda silly. — Greg Garcia

In Italy, I had an Afro, and a lot of the kids came up and felt my hair. It really was funny. I wish I had understood Italian. — Sugar Ray Leonard

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining. — Gabriel Iglesias

No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands ... that can do your brain. — Ivan Stoikov

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! — Bill Watterson

Mostly good is enough. Mostly good produces healthy kids who know they are valued and either forget the other parts or turn them into funny stories. — Jen Hatmaker

Kids are funny. You have to watch what you're doing. — Jerome David Salinger

Can I brush your hair? she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can't live with 'em. Can't eat 'em for lunch. — Darynda Jones

I've got kids and that's important. It's funny, you think that there's an expiration date on them and there just isn't. — Bill Murray

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. — Mitch Hedberg

I thought she liked you now. I've seen her kiss you and she says your name the special way she says Rina's and mine - like it tastes good. — Deborah Hale