Funny Bill Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny Bill

Funny Bill Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Bill quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?' — Bill Bailey

Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards. — Bill Walton

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? — Bill Burr

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey

If a guy doesn't like a funny girl, something is wrong with him. — Bill Hader

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. — Bill Maher

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... — Dave Barry

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing — Bill Wyman

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When? — Bill Hicks

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle. — Bill Fitch

There are some really funny women at 'SNL,' man. — Bill Hader

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. — Bill Ballance

Obviously we know Bill Hader is funny and charming, but my question is, can he do raw humanity and naturalism? I think so. — Mark Duplass

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight. — Bill Maher

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children. — Bill Cosby

I'm inspired by people who are unapologetically themselves, from Bill Cosby to Fahim Anwar. Just funny people. — Jerrod Carmichael

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door. — Bill Bailey

George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work. — Bill Cosby

Kyle Baker's work is really funny, but it's also got a very clear vision. — Bill Sienkiewicz

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice. — Bill Cosby

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin — Bill Watterson

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing. — Bill Shankly

Leader, bandits at 2 o'clock! Roger; it's only 1:30 now-what'll I do 'til then? — Bill Watterson

It wasn't funny for Bill Herondale!" said Magnus. "Oh, damn it. Now you've got me doing it. — Cassandra Clare

I own and operate a ferocious ego. — Bill Moyers

After all is said and done, sit down. — Bill Copeland

I am a confectionery-based existentialist. — Bill Bailey

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. — Dennis Miller

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. — Bill Bailey

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish. — Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. — Bill Bailey

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" — Bill Bailey

I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a funny place. — Bill Bryson

You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle. — Bill Peterson

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine — Bill Bailey

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again. — Bill Burr

The serve was invented so that the net could play. — Bill Cosby

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". — Bill Engvall

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! — Bill Watterson

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. — Rowan Atkinson

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. — Bill Cosby

One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. — Bill Murray

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook. — Bill Cosby

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. — Bill Hicks

I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there. — Bill Cosby

One of my favorite comedies is 'Groundhog Day' and 'Scrooged.' I love Bill Murray, and I think he's a great example of an actor who is funny. — Fiona Gubelmann

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life ... — Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish. — Bill Bailey

Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons. — Stephen King

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.' — Bill Bailey

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in. — Bill Burr

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. — Bill Burr

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. — Bill Vaughan

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch. — Frankie Boyle

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey

The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason - to pass the tax bill on to you. — George W. Bush

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they. — Bill Bailey

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. — Rowan Atkinson

It's always funny until someone gets hurt.
Then it's just hilarious. — Bill Hicks

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. — Bill Engvall

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that. — Bill Bailey

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off. — Bill Cosby

No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer — Bill Gates

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role. — Bill Engvall

Pete Davidson - he's in the movie 'Trainwreck.' He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said he was really funny. — Bill Hader

Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder. — Bill Byrson

On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex. — Bill Russell

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. — Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh? — Bill Bailey

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals. — Bill Cosby

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. — Bill Bryson

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it. — Bill Bailey

Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened. — Bill Bailey

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? — Bill Maher

If the audience knows you can be funny when you want to be, they will be willing to wait for that payoff. — Bill Cosby

The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. — Bill Gates

I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. — Bill Watterson

This shed does not contain me. — Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" — Bill Bailey

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. — Bill Engvall

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! — Bill Maher

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet! — Bill Walton

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there. — Bill Madlock

I've got kids and that's important. It's funny, you think that there's an expiration date on them and there just isn't. — Bill Murray

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box. — Bill Bailey

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men — Bill Engvall

Men are only as loyal as their options. — Bill Maher

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job ... Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us. — Bill Cosby

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble. — Bill Cosby

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally. — Bill Bryson

Nostalgia: How long's that been around? — Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene. — Bill Burr

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? — Mitch Hedberg