First Funny Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about First Funny
First Funny Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational First Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
— Jerry Coleman
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
— Adam Carolla
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
— Jean De La Bruyere
No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years.
— Tom Smothers
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
— Mitch Hedberg
You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line? — Laurell K. Hamilton
Finn gave a soft laugh. 'What's so funny?' 'I think you're the first person to actually apologise for inflicting pain. Usually it's someone's hobby.
— Tabitha McGowan
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
— Christopher Titus
If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I'm printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!
— The Covert Comic
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
— Rodney Dangerfield
For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have turned it into a lucrative business.
— Tracy Morgan
It's funny: when I first started getting vocal about how much I liked 'Doctor Who,' I didn't realize how deep the fan base was.
— Chris Hardwick
And the first five places are filled by five different cars.
— Murray Walker
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
— Kristen Schaal
If at first you don't succeed, lower you expectations
— Jonathan Tropper
Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me ... that's black ...
— Danielle O'Hara
First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
— Chelsea Handler
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
— Conan O'Brien
It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.
— Lucille Ball
I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!
— J.K. Rowling
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
— David Cross
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
— Rita Rudner
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
— Marcelene Cox
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
— George Carlin
When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.
— Nenia Campbell
Funny how the nature of a normal day is the first memory to fade.
— Lionel Shriver
I love you because you loved me first. Yet you love me, saying I loved you first. Funny, our love thrives believing the other person started it.
— Richelle E. Goodrich
The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.
— Rogers Hornsby
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
— Gabriel Iglesias
Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.
— George Saunders
When I first met you, you were just an annoying novice nurse. But I found out that you saved my life and now you're my little sister. Isn't it funny.
— Kim Young-kwang
Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres!
— Jerry Coleman
A mate of mine told me recently, 'It's the first time I've seen you work, Worthington.' I thought that was quite funny, but he was right.
— Sam Worthington
Funny thing about Americans. They are the first to adopt weird lifestyles and radical views but they are the most conservative race on earth.
— Ralph Steadman
I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.
— Jerome James
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
— Kristen Schaal
A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said.
— Niels Bohr
Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.
— Robert Breault
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
— Carol Burnett
Perspective is a funny thing. You think your back is to the wall, then something worse corners you, and the first threat looks puny in comparison.
— Karen Marie Moning
It's funny how when somebody saves you, the first thing you want to do is save other people. All other people. Everybody.
— Chuck Palahniuk
Such a funny thing, shame, that in the scramble to avoid it, you forget who has the right to shame you in the first place.
— Keija Parssinen
His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.
— F Scott Fitzgerald
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
— Demetri Martin
I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.
— George Lopez
Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
— Jerry Coleman
So this is why I write. Because most times, your life isn't funny the first time through. Most times, you can hardly stand it.
— Chuck Palahniuk
I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.
— Charles Woodson
When I first started I was always known as The Girl on the Sitcom with the Funny Voice.
— Julie Benz
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
— Lewis Black
I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
My first film role was a reporter. It's funny, because my father was a news reporter. I always thought there was something strange about that.
— Peter Jacobson
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"
— Mitch Hedberg
The guy had guts - I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them.
— Rob Thurman
And I'd be damned if I let the first photograph of me in ten years be taken on fucking Amtrak. I mean, the light alone.
— Elizabeth Little
That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year.
— Murray Walker
The Devil made me do it the first time -the second time I done it on my own — Billy Joe Shaver
The funny thing is, I'm not really a big reader, not a big fan of books in the first place.
— Macaulay Culkin
Tonight he was a firm adherent to the classic McCloud school of thought; plant bugs first, apologize later.
— Shannon McKenna
And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.
— Murray Walker
First of all, I find everything funny, which is upsetting to my children sometimes, and to people in my life, in general.
— Jenji Kohan
I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.
— Katie Graykowski
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
— Doug Stanhope
The first time I saw a mermaid in my dream, and she looked so real...THAT.'s fishy!!
— Ana Claudia Antunes
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
— Garry Shandling
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
— Demetri Martin
Have you had your first baby yet? I might have one myself, once they find a way for the man to carry it around the first nine months.
— Joe Haldeman
Obviously she's the kind of woman who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I prefer to assume bad stuff first; correct it later.
— Heather Day Gilbert
She must have been very anxious about a first boy friend to fall in love with a Colgate boy
— Haidji
These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
— Morgan Freeman
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
— Dave Chappelle
Funny how the last thing we want the world to see is almost the first thing to show.
— Courtney Summers
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
— Woody Allen
When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.
— Donnell Rawlings
