Doug Stanhope Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Doug Stanhope
Doug Stanhope Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Doug Stanhope quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
— Doug Stanhope
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
— Doug Stanhope
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
— Doug Stanhope
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
— Doug Stanhope
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
— Doug Stanhope
There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.
— Doug Stanhope
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
— Doug Stanhope
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
— Doug Stanhope
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
— Doug Stanhope
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
— Doug Stanhope
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
— Doug Stanhope
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
— Doug Stanhope
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
— Doug Stanhope
Did you ever try to sleep sober?
— Doug Stanhope
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
— Doug Stanhope
It's our flaws who make us who we are.
— Doug Stanhope
I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.
— Doug Stanhope
I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.
— Doug Stanhope
Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
— Doug Stanhope
Children are like poems. They're beautiful to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying. — Doug Stanhope
If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.
— Doug Stanhope
Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
— Doug Stanhope
I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.
— Doug Stanhope
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
— Doug Stanhope
You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'
— Doug Stanhope
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
— Doug Stanhope
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
— Doug Stanhope
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
— Doug Stanhope
Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.
— Doug Stanhope
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
— Doug Stanhope
![Doug Stanhope Quotes By Doug Stanhope: [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not](https://www.wisefamousquotes.com/images/doug-stanhope-quotes-by-doug-stanhope-1485696.jpg "Doug Stanhope Quotes By Doug Stanhope: [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not")
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
— Doug Stanhope
That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
— Doug Stanhope
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
— Doug Stanhope
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
— Doug Stanhope
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
— Doug Stanhope
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
— Doug Stanhope
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
— Doug Stanhope
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
— Doug Stanhope
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
— Doug Stanhope
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
— Doug Stanhope
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
— Doug Stanhope
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.
— Doug Stanhope
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
— Doug Stanhope
Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
— Doug Stanhope
The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.
— Doug Stanhope
The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
— Doug Stanhope
Coward is the most misused word in our society.
— Doug Stanhope
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
— Doug Stanhope
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
— Doug Stanhope
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
— Doug Stanhope
I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
— Doug Stanhope
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
— Doug Stanhope
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
— Doug Stanhope
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
— Doug Stanhope
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
— Doug Stanhope
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
— Doug Stanhope
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
— Doug Stanhope
"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
— Doug Stanhope
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
— Doug Stanhope
All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.
— Doug Stanhope
Sex is free fun for poor people.
— Doug Stanhope
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
— Doug Stanhope
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
— Doug Stanhope
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
— Doug Stanhope
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
— Doug Stanhope
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
— Doug Stanhope
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
— Doug Stanhope
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
— Doug Stanhope
I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
— Doug Stanhope
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
— Doug Stanhope
If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
— Doug Stanhope
Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
— Doug Stanhope
He's my usual type of fan ... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
— Doug Stanhope
If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
— Doug Stanhope
Get the right to marry - and then don't.
— Doug Stanhope
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
— Doug Stanhope
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
— Doug Stanhope
If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
— Doug Stanhope
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
— Doug Stanhope
Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
— Doug Stanhope
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
— Doug Stanhope
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
— Doug Stanhope
Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.
— Doug Stanhope