Doug Stanhope Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Doug Stanhope quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000. — Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee. — Doug Stanhope

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them. — Doug Stanhope

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? — Doug Stanhope

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system! — Doug Stanhope

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig. — Doug Stanhope

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well. — Doug Stanhope

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now. — Doug Stanhope

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day. — Doug Stanhope

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit. — Doug Stanhope

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. — Doug Stanhope

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness. — Doug Stanhope

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society. — Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them. — Doug Stanhope

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. — Doug Stanhope

Did you ever try to sleep sober? — Doug Stanhope

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? — Doug Stanhope

It's our flaws who make us who we are. — Doug Stanhope

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper. — Doug Stanhope

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want. — Doug Stanhope

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it? — Doug Stanhope

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end. — Doug Stanhope

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once. — Doug Stanhope

Children are like poems. They're beautiful
to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying. — Doug Stanhope

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit. — Doug Stanhope

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in. — Doug Stanhope

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at. — Doug Stanhope

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness. — Doug Stanhope

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.' — Doug Stanhope

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke? — Doug Stanhope

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it. — Doug Stanhope

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid. — Doug Stanhope

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen. — Doug Stanhope

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. — Doug Stanhope

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools. — Doug Stanhope

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures. — Doug Stanhope

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get. — Doug Stanhope

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party. — Doug Stanhope

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am. — Doug Stanhope

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. — Doug Stanhope

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee. — Doug Stanhope

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party. — Doug Stanhope

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs. — Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. — Doug Stanhope

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. — Doug Stanhope

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight. — Doug Stanhope

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night. — Doug Stanhope

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house? — Doug Stanhope

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing. — Doug Stanhope

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease. — Doug Stanhope

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs. — Doug Stanhope

Coward is the most misused word in our society. — Doug Stanhope

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake. — Doug Stanhope

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better. — Doug Stanhope

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye. — Doug Stanhope

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. — Doug Stanhope

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds. — Doug Stanhope

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. — Doug Stanhope

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. — Doug Stanhope

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. — Doug Stanhope

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons. — Doug Stanhope

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar. — Doug Stanhope

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth. — Doug Stanhope

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box. — Doug Stanhope

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself. — Doug Stanhope

Sex is free fun for poor people. — Doug Stanhope

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. — Doug Stanhope

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography. — Doug Stanhope

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press. — Doug Stanhope

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps. — Doug Stanhope

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress. — Doug Stanhope

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led. — Doug Stanhope

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. — Doug Stanhope

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience. — Doug Stanhope

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps. — Doug Stanhope

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card. — Doug Stanhope

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. — Doug Stanhope

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion. — Doug Stanhope

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story. — Doug Stanhope

He's my usual type of fan ... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone. — Doug Stanhope

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. — Doug Stanhope

Get the right to marry - and then don't. — Doug Stanhope

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. — Doug Stanhope

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop. — Doug Stanhope

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him. — Doug Stanhope

If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall. — Doug Stanhope

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society. — Doug Stanhope

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help. — Doug Stanhope

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. — Doug Stanhope

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism. — Doug Stanhope