Demetri Martin Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Demetri Martin quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
— Demetri Martin
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.
— Demetri Martin
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
— Demetri Martin
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
— Demetri Martin
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
— Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
— Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
— Demetri Martin
Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.
— Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
— Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
— Demetri Martin
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
— Demetri Martin
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
— Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
— Demetri Martin
How To Read This BookIf you're reading this sentence then you've pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are. — Demetri Martin
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
— Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
— Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
— Demetri Martin
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
— Demetri Martin
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"
— Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.
— Demetri Martin
Love is, and I hope it never isn't.
— Demetri Martin
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
— Demetri Martin
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
— Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
— Demetri Martin
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
— Demetri Martin
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
— Demetri Martin
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
— Demetri Martin
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
— Demetri Martin
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
— Demetri Martin
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
— Demetri Martin
Most stick people are black.
— Demetri Martin
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
— Demetri Martin
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
— Demetri Martin
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
— Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
— Demetri Martin
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
— Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word ... and that word is unreliable.
— Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
— Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
— Demetri Martin
I just found out that I have more allies than America!
— Demetri Martin
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
— Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
— Demetri Martin
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it ... so I just added "ish" to every number.
— Demetri Martin
Clowns have no respect for pie.
— Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
— Demetri Martin
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
— Demetri Martin
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
— Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
— Demetri Martin
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
— Demetri Martin
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
— Demetri Martin
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
— Demetri Martin
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.
— Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
— Demetri Martin
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
— Demetri Martin
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
— Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
— Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
— Demetri Martin
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
— Demetri Martin
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
— Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
— Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
— Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
— Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
— Demetri Martin
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?..
— Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
— Demetri Martin
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
— Demetri Martin
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions ... and comparisons.
— Demetri Martin
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
— Demetri Martin
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
— Demetri Martin
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
— Demetri Martin
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
— Demetri Martin
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
— Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
— Demetri Martin
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
— Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
— Demetri Martin
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
— Demetri Martin
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
— Demetri Martin
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
— Demetri Martin
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
— Demetri Martin
