Dana Gould Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Dana Gould

Dana Gould Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Dana Gould quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it. — Dana Gould

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much. — Dana Gould

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. — Dana Gould

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right. — Dana Gould

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist. — Dana Gould

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face. — Dana Gould

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions. — Dana Gould

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans ... — Dana Gould

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant? — Dana Gould

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. — Dana Gould

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm! — Dana Gould

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies. — Dana Gould

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault. — Dana Gould

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense. — Dana Gould

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live. — Dana Gould

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line. — Dana Gould

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea. — Dana Gould

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy. — Dana Gould

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety. — Dana Gould

Being funny is not the same as being happy. — Dana Gould

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look ... great? — Dana Gould

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare. — Dana Gould

Why do old people drive with their mouths open? — Dana Gould

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'. — Dana Gould

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail. — Dana Gould

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author. — Dana Gould

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children. — Dana Gould

When homeless people go camping, how do they know? — Dana Gould

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen. — Dana Gould

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with. — Dana Gould

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes. — Dana Gould

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque. — Dana Gould

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor? — Dana Gould

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper. — Dana Gould

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. — Dana Gould

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid ... — Dana Gould

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says. — Dana Gould

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag. — Dana Gould

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants? — Dana Gould

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey. — Dana Gould

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea ... — Dana Gould

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously. — Dana Gould

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load. — Dana Gould

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino. — Dana Gould

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now. — Dana Gould

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums. — Dana Gould

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door ... — Dana Gould

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working. — Dana Gould

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels ... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. — Dana Gould

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion. — Dana Gould

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years ... — Dana Gould

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby. — Dana Gould

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago. — Dana Gould

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone. — Dana Gould

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos. — Dana Gould

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation. — Dana Gould

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers. — Dana Gould

...Long story longer... — Dana Gould

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes. — Dana Gould

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats. — Dana Gould

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone. — Dana Gould

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake. — Dana Gould

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you. — Dana Gould

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change. — Dana Gould

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies! — Dana Gould

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack. — Dana Gould

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward ... — Dana Gould

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family. — Dana Gould

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog ... — Dana Gould

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles. — Dana Gould

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically. — Dana Gould

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes. — Dana Gould

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger. — Dana Gould

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb. — Dana Gould

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no. — Dana Gould

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging ... — Dana Gould

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. — Dana Gould

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone. — Dana Gould

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones. — Dana Gould

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive. — Dana Gould

That which does not kill you isn't finished. — Dana Gould

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management. — Dana Gould

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down. — Dana Gould

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas. — Dana Gould

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole. — Dana Gould

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy. — Dana Gould

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer. — Dana Gould

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'. — Dana Gould

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie? — Dana Gould

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me! — Dana Gould

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships. — Dana Gould

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship. — Dana Gould

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice. — Dana Gould

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store. — Dana Gould

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us? — Dana Gould