Best Letterman Quotes

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that. — David Letterman

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't. — David Letterman

Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money. — David Letterman

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache? — David Letterman

Lesbians have never been more popular. — David Letterman

Life experience is the best teacher. — David Letterman

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for. — David Letterman

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends. — David Letterman

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss. — David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. — David Letterman

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list. — David Letterman

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk. — George Lopez

The best visual effects are when you shoot as much of what you can in camera. And it's really good for the actor's performance to have something real. — Rob Letterman

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — David Letterman

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' — David Letterman

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers. — David Letterman

Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing. — David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. — David Letterman

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime. — Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. — David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat! — David Letterman

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.' — David Letterman

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet. — David Letterman

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group. — David Letterman

If you do your job right, no one realizes you did your job, and that's a good thing. You strive for that. — Rob Letterman

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million. — David Letterman

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China. — David Letterman

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." — David Letterman

Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do. — David Letterman

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water. — David Letterman

CBS is proud to have been the home of David Letterman since 1993. He is truly one of the great talents of our time, and we hope things work out. — Leslie Moonves

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions. — David Letterman

Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon. — David Letterman

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' — David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. — David Letterman

You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.' — David Letterman

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il. — David Letterman

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. — David Letterman

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash. — David Letterman

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us. — Stephen Colbert

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. — David Letterman