Best Dark Humor Quotes

I hate to say it, but it can't be much of a dark conspiracy if a trio of first-year shlubs like us have worked it all out. — G. Norman Lippert

Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure — Lemony Snicket

I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. — Olga Goa

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day. — Neil DeGrasse Tyson

He knew his parents were liars. He'd known since the day he'd found his brother's dead body stuffed inside a suitcase. — Kirkland Ciccone

Darkness is necessary for evolvement. — Lailah Gifty Akita

What Promise of a new day does one have to ignore to laugh so early in the morning? — Leot Felton

All life is in vain, for Death makes a nonsense of pain. — Gasmaskman

I am not the worst thing that can happen to you, but I will be the last. ~Caesar~ The Goodbye Man. — A. Giannoccaro

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

If you were three times poor, I would still have paid attention to you and fell head over heels in love with you. — Olga Goa

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire's coffin? - Shella — Krista Alasti

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food. — Ron Swanson

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

That dark humor has always been a part of what I've done. It's always been somewhat tongue-in-cheek. — El-P

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. — Nick Helm

I'm not a particularly dark individual. I have my moments, it's true, but I do have a sense of humor. — Alan Moore

Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes. — Ankita Singhal

The victim lay on his face, as most people did after being stuck with ten swords. — Maggie Stiefvater

I have a dark sense of humor. — Olivia Munn

You sick bastard," she said.
"Yes, I guess you could call me that." Terry replied. — Jonas Eriksson

Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking. — Red Tash

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.
- Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there? — Pat Frank

Just stay still, if you stay still it can't find you. That's sharks, you idiot. Sharks and dinosaurs. This isn't Jurassic Park. — Kelley Armstrong

I love the movie "Titanic." It's my favorite romantic comedy! — Troy Bisson

The guy had guts - I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them. — Rob Thurman

He comes.
And he comes
loaded
with noise pollution.
If I ever prayed for anything,
it was for a man
to shut up. — Casey Renee Kiser

It makes no difference what you wear, really. I'll put you in a dark grey. I believe I have some left over from a funeral. says the dressmaker. — Maryrose Wood

It's so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere. — Clint Catalyst

Few humans see fairies or hear their music, but many find fairy rings of dark grass, scattered with toadstools, left by their dancing feet. — Judy Allen

There's a word for people you hate, but not enough to let them die...

...Family — Ryan Parrott

Heart condition? That's rich. I guess you can call a heart not beating a condition.-PJ — Nessie Strange

(So I heard the boom of my fathr's rifle when he shot my best friend.) A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.(14) — Sherman Alexie