Attell's Quotes: top 66 famous quotes about Attell's

Attell's Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Attell's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. — Dave Attell

I never wanted to be famous. — Dave Attell

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. — Dave Attell

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa ... Write it down! — Dave Attell

Jesse Joyce is a great writer. — Dave Attell

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. — Dave Attell

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff. — Dave Attell

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat. — Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV. — Dave Attell

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. — Dave Attell

I'm not really a music guy. — Dave Attell

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future. — Dave Attell

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. — Dave Attell

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on. — Dave Attell

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. — Dave Attell

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. — Dave Attell

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. — Dave Attell

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation. — Dave Attell

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. — Dave Attell

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. — Dave Attell

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes. — Dave Attell

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. — Dave Attell

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. — Dave Attell

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said! — Dave Attell

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. — Dave Attell

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. — Dave Attell

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. — Dave Attell

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. — Dave Attell

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me? — Dave Attell

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape. — Dave Attell

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. — Dave Attell

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out. — Dave Attell

I'm not like a performer type. — Dave Attell

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. — Dave Attell

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell

My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. — Dave Attell

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. — Dave Attell

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin! — Dave Attell

I smoke so much. Three packs a day ... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. — Dave Attell

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions. — Dave Attell

Being on the road is kind of lonely. — Dave Attell

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life. — Dave Attell

I have no grand scheme. — Dave Attell

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. — Dave Attell

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. — Dave Attell

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!' — Dave Attell

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. — Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool. — Dave Attell

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. — Dave Attell

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. — Dave Attell

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. — Dave Attell

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there. — Dave Attell

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C. — Dave Attell

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. — Dave Attell

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. — Dave Attell