Paula Poundstone Quotes

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

I don't believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that's indecision.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause they're looking for ideas.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.