Ogden Nash Quotes

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more

My fellow man I do not care for.
I often ask me, What's he there for?
The only answer i can find
Is, Reproduction of his kind.

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.

Elephants are useful friends: they have handles on both ends.

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

O thrice unhappy home Whose master doesn't know the difference between a watt and an ohm!

Bankers are just like everybody else, except richer.

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

If called by a panther, don't anther.

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions

Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I'm in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was.

The reason for much matrimony is patrimony.

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.

You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't.

The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon.
Let others say his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

Senescence begins
And middle-age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends

A lady is known by the product she endorses.

Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough.

God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile.

Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

The old men know when an old man dies.

If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.

The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Here lies my past, Goodbye I have kissed it; Thank you kids, I wouldn't have missed it.

But children, hark! Your mother would rather, When you arrived, have been your father.

You can take it as understood,
That your luck changes only if it's good.

No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.

But all ladies think they weigh too much.

In real life, it takes only one to make a quarrel.

Too clever is dumb.

It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin,
That lays eggs under your skin.

The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you?

Man is a victim of dope
In the incurable form of hope!

The song of canaries
Never varies,
And when they're moulting
They're pretty revolting.

Time is like the ocean, always there, always different.

A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus.

Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.

I think in terms of rhyme, and have since I was six years old,

And you stagger down to break your fast. Greasy bacon and lacquered eggs And coffee composed of frigid dregs.

Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road.

It's my own dream, I dreamt it, I dreamt that my hair was kempt, then I dremat my true love unkempt it.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

No man is greater than his respect for sleep.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament.

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

ADVENTURES OF ISABEL
Isabel

Too much Chablis can make you whablis.

Why did the Lord give use so much quickness unless it was to avoid responsibility?

Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it.

Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways.

Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.

Professional men, they have no cares;
Whatever happens, they get theirs.

Neath tile or thatch That man is rich Who has a scratch For every itch.

I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.

One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If one's own kin and kith Were more fun to be with.

And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more.

To maintain your marriage brimming, with really like in the wedding cup, anytime you are incorrect, admit it each time you're proper, shut up.

He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy.

When a lady's erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next.

No, you never get any fun
Out of the things you haven't done.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

My garden will never make me famous. I'm a horticultural ignoramus. I can't tell a string-bean from a soybean, or even a girl bean from a boy bean

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it.

Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon I hate having my picture taken. How can your family claim to love you And then demand a picture of you?

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy them without money?

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

THE GRACKLE
The

Philo Vance / Needs a kick in the pance.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

The burnt child, urged by rankling ire, Can hardly wait to get back at the fire.

Don't Cry Darling, It's Blood All Right

One rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it/Never lend any money to anybody unless they don't need it.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.