Mallory Ortberg quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Mallory Ortberg on Wise Famous Quotes.

A lot of my creative energy is spent coming up with a concept that, once I get it, I feel like it writes itself.

Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.

I grew up in a home where reading was a big deal.

Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.

haha must have been a weird typo it's illegal to hunt men but exhilarating

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.

When I was twenty years old, I had gum grafts put in.

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.

what is a dream but a series of lies designed to keep us immobilized in a dark room for hours at a time

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies.

Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings.

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.

I read my first P.G. Wodehouse when I was 12.

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

I have fun going on Twitter and the Internet. I feel safe and comfortable, and I wish everyone could feel that way.

I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question.

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.

LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.

Usually my writing is very over the top and bombastic and very, like, 'I'm amazing! Look at me!'

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.

Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored.

Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!

There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.'

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

Weirdly, often the more I write, the more ideas I have.

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences.

If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."

Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.

It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents.

first of all she's not my girlfriend second of all denmark is a PRISON

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.

Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.

I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful.

whoa
I wasn't LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn't stop LOOKING
at ME

If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.

"Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness.

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn't matter to you. Please don't miss out on it.

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.

Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.

It's so, so awful for my entire body and my spine and my hands, and I have a perfectly good desk to write at, but I don't care. I love writing in bed.

I graduated with an English degree and worked for awhile in academic publishing.

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.

frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of emergencies

Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.

(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)

why did you turn my friends into pigs i don't know maybe the real question is why are your friends so turn-into-pigsable

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.

Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want.

In the hands of a passive-aggressive person who wants to abdicate responsibility for things, texting is a great tool. You can really go nuts.

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.

Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

Eighty per cent of my output is 'Mallory clowns on the Western canon,' and I'm happy to be that person.

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.

It can't hurt to have a backup.

I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.