I support women. I'm like a human BRA. 
Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor. 
I want to do that thing rich people do where they turn money into more money. 
Nothing like a good rib tickling read like Fifty Shades of Grey 
God, three weddings in one day, I'm going to be in Spanx for 12 hours. My elastic line is gonna get infected again. 
I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider it erotica. 
I don't care. I'll start my own group. Rejection from society is what created X-Men! 
You can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless. 
Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today? This moi. 
If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down. 
Thanks, it's my own recipe. I use cheddar cheese instead of water. 
Who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old. 
Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along? 
Now I'm heading home for a nooner, which is what I call having pancakes for lunch. 
I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs. 
OK, here's a little bedroom tip: Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way when you're done, you have a treat. 
My heart's pounding like I'm watching Oprah's farewell season. 
You didn't realize emotion could be a weapon? Have you not read the poetry of Jewel? 
My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico. 
I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks? 
I don't like writing in front of a lot of people, it has to be an intimate experience with people I trust. 
You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says: Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up, there's nothing you can do. 