Lewis Black Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Lewis Black
Lewis Black Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Lewis Black on Wise Famous Quotes.
If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
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My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!
I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we ... are all like snowflakes.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'
The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief.
The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween ... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.
When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does ... it's illegal.
Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.
It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know
because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers ... they are obviously alcoholics.