Lewis Black quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Lewis Black

Lewis Black Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Lewis Black on Wise Famous Quotes.

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's just soy juice.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
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I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we ... are all like snowflakes.

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.

Political audiences are not fun.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things ... since the dawn of civilisation

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

Self-love is a big part of golf.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween ... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

Everybody's family has different values.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does ... it's illegal.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know
because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers ... they are obviously alcoholics.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.