Lewis Black Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Lewis Black

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Lewis Black Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Lewis Black on Wise Famous Quotes.

Lewis Black quotes: FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass. FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.
Lewis Black quotes: When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.
Lewis Black quotes: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's just soy juice. There's no such thing as soy milk. It's just soy juice.
Lewis Black quotes: If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < . If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
< .
Lewis Black quotes: I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
Lewis Black quotes: My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
Lewis Black quotes: Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
Lewis Black quotes: A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!! A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!
Lewis Black quotes: I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.
Lewis Black quotes: We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it! We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
Lewis Black quotes: If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.
Lewis Black quotes: Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we ... are all like snowflakes. Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we ... are all like snowflakes.
Lewis Black quotes: On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes. On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
Lewis Black quotes: Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
Lewis Black quotes: The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas. The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
Lewis Black quotes: It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance. It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.
Lewis Black quotes: One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
Lewis Black quotes: When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
Lewis Black quotes: My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool. My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool.
Lewis Black quotes: The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
Lewis Black quotes: I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
Lewis Black quotes: My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
Lewis Black quotes: If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
Lewis Black quotes: If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
Lewis Black quotes: If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'
Lewis Black quotes: The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
Lewis Black quotes: Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich. Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.
Lewis Black quotes: I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.
Lewis Black quotes: Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
Lewis Black quotes: Just relax and breathe through your ass. Just relax and breathe through your ass.
Lewis Black quotes: I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
Lewis Black quotes: I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.
Lewis Black quotes: In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma. In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.
Lewis Black quotes: I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you? I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?
Lewis Black quotes: I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person. I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.
Lewis Black quotes: Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
Lewis Black quotes: Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both! Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!
Lewis Black quotes: As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
Lewis Black quotes: I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.
Lewis Black quotes: Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out. Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
Lewis Black quotes: Political audiences are not fun. Political audiences are not fun.
Lewis Black quotes: Turns out we've been eating the wrong things ... since the dawn of civilisation Turns out we've been eating the wrong things ... since the dawn of civilisation
Lewis Black quotes: Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
Lewis Black quotes: When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
Lewis Black quotes: Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
Lewis Black quotes: I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
Lewis Black quotes: The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
Lewis Black quotes: Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
Lewis Black quotes: I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
Lewis Black quotes: All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
Lewis Black quotes: Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK! Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!
Lewis Black quotes: Self-love is a big part of golf. Self-love is a big part of golf.
Lewis Black quotes: I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
Lewis Black quotes: Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
Lewis Black quotes: Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
Lewis Black quotes: My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook. My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.
Lewis Black quotes: The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting. The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
Lewis Black quotes: How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief. How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief.
Lewis Black quotes: The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning. The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
Lewis Black quotes: I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
Lewis Black quotes: If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween ... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you. If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween ... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Lewis Black quotes: Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
Lewis Black quotes: Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
Lewis Black quotes: I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something. I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.
Lewis Black quotes: I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.
Lewis Black quotes: There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye. There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.
Lewis Black quotes: When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.
Lewis Black quotes: Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
Lewis Black quotes: Everybody's family has different values. Everybody's family has different values.
Lewis Black quotes: My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
Lewis Black quotes: Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
Lewis Black quotes: You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does ... it's illegal. You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does ... it's illegal.
Lewis Black quotes: I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
Lewis Black quotes: Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
Lewis Black quotes: Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Lewis Black quotes: You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought! You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
Lewis Black quotes: Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
Lewis Black quotes: The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
Lewis Black quotes: This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
Lewis Black quotes: Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
Lewis Black quotes: Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian. Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.
Lewis Black quotes: MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken! MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!
Lewis Black quotes: It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
Lewis Black quotes: I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
Lewis Black quotes: Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Lewis Black quotes: Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful. Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know
because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
Lewis Black quotes: Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream. Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
Lewis Black quotes: Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
Lewis Black quotes: All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black quotes: I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it. I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.
Lewis Black quotes: If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular. If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
Lewis Black quotes: What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks. What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
Lewis Black quotes: The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
Lewis Black quotes: I never write anything down. I write onstage. I never write anything down. I write onstage.
Lewis Black quotes: I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment. I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
Lewis Black quotes: Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
Lewis Black quotes: Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers ... they are obviously alcoholics. Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers ... they are obviously alcoholics.
Lewis Black quotes: You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.
Lewis Black quotes: Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots. Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.
Lewis Black quotes: Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians. Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

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