Les Dawson quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Les Dawson

Les Dawson Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Les Dawson on Wise Famous Quotes.

Les Dawson quotes: My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

Les Dawson quotes: I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson quotes: My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

Les Dawson quotes: I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Les Dawson quotes: The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

Les Dawson quotes: The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

Les Dawson quotes: Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Les Dawson quotes: My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

Les Dawson quotes: Take my wife ... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Take my wife ... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Les Dawson quotes: I know my name will always be linked with women.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

Les Dawson quotes: Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

Les Dawson quotes: I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Les Dawson quotes: Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Les Dawson quotes: When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

Les Dawson quotes: Slumps don't bother me.

Slumps don't bother me.

Les Dawson quotes: I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Les Dawson quotes: My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

Les Dawson quotes: How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another ... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another ... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Les Dawson quotes: My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Les Dawson quotes: Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

Les Dawson quotes: The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

Les Dawson quotes: I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

Les Dawson quotes: I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

Les Dawson quotes: A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

Les Dawson quotes: I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

Les Dawson quotes: My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

Les Dawson quotes: I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson quotes: My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Les Dawson quotes: Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

Les Dawson quotes: I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

Les Dawson quotes: I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Les Dawson quotes: I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

Les Dawson quotes: With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Les Dawson quotes: I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

Les Dawson quotes: My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

Les Dawson quotes: The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

Les Dawson quotes: I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Les Dawson quotes: I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Les Dawson quotes: I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

Les Dawson quotes: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Les Dawson quotes: Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

Les Dawson quotes: My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

Les Dawson quotes: When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

Les Dawson quotes: I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

Les Dawson quotes: He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.