Les Dawson quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Les Dawson

Les Dawson Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Les Dawson on Wise Famous Quotes.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

Take my wife ... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

Slumps don't bother me.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another ... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.