Kinky Friedman Quotes

I admit I was drinking a Guinness ... but I did not swallow.

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back.

If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.

Remember, the Legislature is the joke, not our campaign.

It wasn't a healthy attitude, but it wasn't really a healthy world.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you.

How hard can it be?

I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

A happy childhood ... is the worst possible preparation for life.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

No matter where you go, you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Sleep came slower than a frigid woman.

If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

Young people are the key to this election.

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.

Now I have a cat. Well, that's not quite accurate. A cat and I have each other.

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

A fool and his money are soon elected

The child-teacher relationship is crucial.

The system is not perfect. Until it's perfect, let's do away with the death penalty.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends off on a saddle.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody else got tired of her shit

We were a country band with a social conscience.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

It's all very well going around thinking you're a cowboy, until you run into somebody who thinks he's an Indian.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

There will be a whole new spirit blowing through Texas. There will be a smile on everybody's face and a chill up the spine of every politician.

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that.

My goal as a young man, to be fat, famous and financially fixed by 50.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

We're all worm bait waiting to happen. It's what you do while you wait that matters.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

Why did i so passionately require the truth? because all great fiction is true

The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

I don't apologize to people with an agenda.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

I'm not for the parties. I'm for Texas.

Never re-elect anybody

I believe that voices like Ross Perot (search), Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader should be heard. They don't have to be president. Give 'em a chance.

They probably would've taken Jesus if he hadn't been nailed down.

I've achieved many of my dreams, and I want to see that some others get a chance to, especially younger Texans.

The art of writing fiction is to sail as dangerously close to the truth as possible without sinking the ship

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

When you have a cat you assume certain responsibilities that, in a spiritual sense, transcend those of a marital or a business relationship.

Imagination, of course, is the money of childhood

If Raymond Chandler came from the South, his name would be Ace Atkins.

Politics is the only field of human endeavor where the more experience you have, the worse you get.

Happiness is a moving target.

There are more inspirational people in music than there are in politics.

If you don't love Jesus-go to hell!

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

I'm not pro-life, and I'm not pro-choice. I'm pro-football.

He looked a shade too healthy and nobody likes that. Particularly in New York.

If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned.

You've got to find what you love and let it kill you. I don't think any of us should ever forget that.

I'm ready for anything. That's probably why it never happens.

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but ...

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

Remember, I'm not running against Rick Perry; I'm running against apathy.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

Rocky Hawkins has written a rare, fun and beautiful book. If you don't believe me, read it for yourself.

I came from an upper-middle class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and ... both of them were independents, by the way.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.

Inspiration thing is important, to teach the kids that JFK is not an airport, RFK's not a stadium, Martin Luther King ain't a street

Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.

We're going to make that Lone Star shine again

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.

He looked like an accountant or a serial-killer type. Definitely one of the service industries.