Johnny Carson Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Johnny Carson on Wise Famous Quotes.
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say Storms suck!!
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.
Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.
We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.
It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
Desire! That's the one secret of every man's career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.