Johnny Carson Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Johnny Carson

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Johnny Carson Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Johnny Carson on Wise Famous Quotes.

Johnny Carson quotes: Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'. Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard. Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday. Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Johnny Carson quotes: For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off. For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Johnny Carson quotes: I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals. I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony. Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
Johnny Carson quotes: When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist. When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
Johnny Carson quotes: For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson quotes: I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson quotes: People will pay more to be entertained than educated. People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Johnny Carson quotes: I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give. I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
Johnny Carson quotes: Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter. Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.
Johnny Carson quotes: Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say Storms suck!! Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say Storms suck!!
Johnny Carson quotes: Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat. Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
Johnny Carson quotes: I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom. I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.
Johnny Carson quotes: I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over. I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
Johnny Carson quotes: I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
Johnny Carson quotes: If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts. If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.
Johnny Carson quotes: We're more effective than birth control pills. We're more effective than birth control pills.
Johnny Carson quotes: Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian. Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.
Johnny Carson quotes: The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson quotes: Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman. Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
Johnny Carson quotes: The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older. The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.
Johnny Carson quotes: Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline. Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.
Johnny Carson quotes: Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled. Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.
Johnny Carson quotes: Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day. Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Johnny Carson quotes: Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is ... finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry. Happiness is ... finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.
Johnny Carson quotes: Only lie about the future. Only lie about the future.
Johnny Carson quotes: The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars. The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
Johnny Carson quotes: I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours. I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
Johnny Carson quotes: I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time. I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
Johnny Carson quotes: I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.
Johnny Carson quotes: We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked. We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
Johnny Carson quotes: We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style. We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.
Johnny Carson quotes: New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
Johnny Carson quotes: Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson quotes: The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Johnny Carson quotes: I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Johnny Carson quotes: Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Johnny Carson quotes: Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me. Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.
Johnny Carson quotes: I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty. I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Johnny Carson quotes: The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Johnny Carson quotes: It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups. It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
Johnny Carson quotes: As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show. As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Johnny Carson quotes: Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.' Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
Johnny Carson quotes: How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own? How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
Johnny Carson quotes: Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp. Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
Johnny Carson quotes: Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there. Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
Johnny Carson quotes: George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age? George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
Johnny Carson quotes: Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work. Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work.
Johnny Carson quotes: Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak. Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
Johnny Carson quotes: In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Johnny Carson quotes: If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead. If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.
Johnny Carson quotes: A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island. A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson quotes: Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Johnny Carson quotes: I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them. I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
Johnny Carson quotes: An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford? An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
Johnny Carson quotes: Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
Johnny Carson quotes: I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it. I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.
Johnny Carson quotes: Desire! That's the one secret of every man's career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire. Desire! That's the one secret of every man's career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.
Johnny Carson quotes: Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Johnny Carson quotes: Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Johnny Carson quotes: I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Johnny Carson quotes: Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson quotes: He's so fat, he can be his own running mate. He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson quotes: I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else. I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
Johnny Carson quotes: Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
Johnny Carson quotes: That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman. That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.
Johnny Carson quotes: If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college. Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
Johnny Carson quotes: Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages. Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
Johnny Carson quotes: They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them. They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
Johnny Carson quotes: It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself." It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
Johnny Carson quotes: Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
Johnny Carson quotes: The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered. The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Johnny Carson quotes: The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear. The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.
Johnny Carson quotes: I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy. I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
Johnny Carson quotes: My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Johnny Carson quotes: I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces. I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.
Johnny Carson quotes: Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
Johnny Carson quotes: If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson quotes: Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
Johnny Carson quotes: Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too. Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
Johnny Carson quotes: There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King. There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
Johnny Carson quotes: May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat! May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
Johnny Carson quotes: I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
Johnny Carson quotes: According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives. According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
Johnny Carson quotes: I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you. I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.
Johnny Carson quotes: When turkeys mate they think of swans. When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Johnny Carson quotes: People pay more to be entertained that educated People pay more to be entertained that educated
Johnny Carson quotes: I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles. I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.
Johnny Carson quotes: The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds. The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
Johnny Carson quotes: If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Johnny Carson quotes: What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
Johnny Carson quotes: If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

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