Jimmy Carr quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jimmy Carr on Wise Famous Quotes.

Jimmy Carr quotes: No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea ... you never get that tea.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea ... you never get that tea.

Jimmy Carr quotes: People with Tourettes ... What makes them tick?

People with Tourettes ... What makes them tick?

Jimmy Carr quotes: I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

Jimmy Carr quotes: They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.

They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.

Jimmy Carr quotes: It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

Jimmy Carr quotes: You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Jimmy Carr quotes: All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

Jimmy Carr quotes: My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Jimmy Carr quotes: I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Jimmy Carr quotes: I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

Jimmy Carr quotes: The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

Jimmy Carr quotes: How many airports are there in the world?

How many airports are there in the world?

Jimmy Carr quotes: Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Jimmy Carr quotes: In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

Jimmy Carr quotes: The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Jimmy Carr quotes: There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

Jimmy Carr quotes: When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Jimmy Carr quotes: My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr quotes: People say, "Now you've given up booze at least you can remember what you did last night." I say, "Yeah, nothing." - Frank Skinner

People say, "Now you've given up booze at least you can remember what you did last night." I say, "Yeah, nothing." - Frank Skinner

Jimmy Carr quotes: If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

Jimmy Carr quotes: British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Jimmy Carr quotes: It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Jimmy Carr quotes: Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes.

Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

Jimmy Carr quotes: As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Jimmy Carr quotes: Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I don't see myself as offending people.

I don't see myself as offending people.

Jimmy Carr quotes: A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Jimmy Carr quotes: Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Jesus loves you ... He's not 'in love' with you.

Jesus loves you ... He's not 'in love' with you.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Creationists, the right-wing Christians, creationists believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer.

Creationists, the right-wing Christians, creationists believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer.

Jimmy Carr quotes: If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Jimmy Carr quotes: I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

Jimmy Carr quotes: When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Jimmy Carr quotes: My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Jimmy Carr quotes: When someone close to you dies, move seats.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

Jimmy Carr quotes: A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

Jimmy Carr quotes: More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

Jimmy Carr quotes: When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other ...

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other ...

Jimmy Carr quotes: I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Jimmy Carr quotes: I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Say what you want about the deaf ...

Say what you want about the deaf ...

Jimmy Carr quotes: The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Jimmy Carr quotes: Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.