Jim Gaffigan Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Jim Gaffigan on Wise Famous Quotes.
Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.
If you've never been to a Catholic Mass, don't worry, it's still going on, you still have time to catch it.
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.
You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.
Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away.
It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.
I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
Today, big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they are just weird.
I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby.
When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.
Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone.
What I have is a general and very personal knowledge of food. I know which food I enjoy. I know which food I hate. I know how food makes me feel
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
Microwaves are like winter coats. They warm quickly, people never clean them and they look ugly after a year.
You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside ...
Ugh, I'm so full. I guess I'll have some cheese. Hmm, I don't even like this cheese. I guess I'll finish it.
The tradition of chopping down a pine tree and putting it in your living room may seem like the behavior of a drunk guy, but you do it sober.
In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. "Why don't we get lunch, and then we'll grab some pizza." Most
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste. You
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.
In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.
I was born with a heart that was two sizes too small, but when I saw my baby, it was like the Grinch discovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up..it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.