Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jim Gaffigan on Wise Famous Quotes.

Jim Gaffigan quotes: Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: If you've never been to a Catholic Mass, don't worry, it's still going on, you still have time to catch it. If you've never been to a Catholic Mass, don't worry, it's still going on, you still have time to catch it.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese? The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy. I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries. If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!' You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know. Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. "Cool" is a ridiculous concept. Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. "Cool" is a ridiculous concept.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away. Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience. My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?' It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I never went to church when I was in college, either. I never went to church when I was in college, either.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied. One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you. On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend. Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful. I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause. Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Today, big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they are just weird. Today, big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they are just weird.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires. I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby. In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing? Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I come from a very big family ... nine parents. I come from a very big family ... nine parents.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with. I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying. Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure. I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone. Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I wouldn't trust them skinnies with food advice. I wouldn't trust them skinnies with food advice.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: What I have is a general and very personal knowledge of food. I know which food I enjoy. I know which food I hate. I know how food makes me What I have is a general and very personal knowledge of food. I know which food I enjoy. I know which food I hate. I know how food makes me feel
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college. I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female? I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker? Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Microwaves are like winter coats. They warm quickly, people never clean them and they look ugly after a year. Microwaves are like winter coats. They warm quickly, people never clean them and they look ugly after a year.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside ... You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside ...
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Ugh, I'm so full. I guess I'll have some cheese. Hmm, I don't even like this cheese. I guess I'll finish it. Ugh, I'm so full. I guess I'll have some cheese. Hmm, I don't even like this cheese. I guess I'll finish it.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family. I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience. I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Yeah, I am a character actor. Yeah, I am a character actor.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness. Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Cucumber. The cucumber is just a pickle before it started drinking. Cucumber. The cucumber is just a pickle before it started drinking.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: The tradition of chopping down a pine tree and putting it in your living room may seem like the behavior of a drunk guy, but you do it sober. The tradition of chopping down a pine tree and putting it in your living room may seem like the behavior of a drunk guy, but you do it sober.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who's not interested. I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who's not interested.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. "Why don't we get lunch, and then we'll grab some pizza." Most In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. "Why don't we get lunch, and then we'll grab some pizza." Most
Jim Gaffigan quotes: My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that. My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: The question is the primary form of communication for little kids. The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: We tend to outdo ourselves. We tend to outdo ourselves.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it. All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic. I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing. I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod. Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow. My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I was never sure what Grimace was or why he was named after a pained facial expression. I was never sure what Grimace was or why he was named after a pained facial expression.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste. You There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste. You
Jim Gaffigan quotes: You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie. You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?' My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Jim Gaffigan quotes: The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in? The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters. There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint. Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic! In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!
Jim Gaffigan quotes: That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot. That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Still waiting for the sequel, The Little Engine That Sought Revenge: Part Deux. Still waiting for the sequel, The Little Engine That Sought Revenge: Part Deux.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section. I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy. I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Kids and disease are the gateway to faith. Kids and disease are the gateway to faith.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment? What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community. Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it. What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: French fries are like Crocs. You know you shouldn't, but your life is pretty much over anyway. French fries are like Crocs. You know you shouldn't, but your life is pretty much over anyway.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: "Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand. "Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line? Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I was born with a heart that was two sizes too small, but when I saw my baby, it was like the Grinch discovering the true meaning of Christmas. I was born with a heart that was two sizes too small, but when I saw my baby, it was like the Grinch discovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine. Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks. I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up..it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme! I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up..it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
Jim Gaffigan quotes: It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating. It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you. Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best? Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. "What am I, a pioneer? Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. "What am I, a pioneer?
Jim Gaffigan quotes: I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up. I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it" Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic. Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a red-haired sushi chef with a southern accent. Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a red-haired sushi chef with a southern accent.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people. My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.
Jim Gaffigan quotes: There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

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