Jim Gaffigan quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jim Gaffigan on Wise Famous Quotes.

Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.

If you've never been to a Catholic Mass, don't worry, it's still going on, you still have time to catch it.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. "Cool" is a ridiculous concept.

Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I never went to church when I was in college, either.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

Today, big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they are just weird.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby.

When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

I come from a very big family ... nine parents.

I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone.

I wouldn't trust them skinnies with food advice.

What I have is a general and very personal knowledge of food. I know which food I enjoy. I know which food I hate. I know how food makes me feel

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

Microwaves are like winter coats. They warm quickly, people never clean them and they look ugly after a year.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside ...

Ugh, I'm so full. I guess I'll have some cheese. Hmm, I don't even like this cheese. I guess I'll finish it.

I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.

Yeah, I am a character actor.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Cucumber. The cucumber is just a pickle before it started drinking.

The tradition of chopping down a pine tree and putting it in your living room may seem like the behavior of a drunk guy, but you do it sober.

I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who's not interested.

In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. "Why don't we get lunch, and then we'll grab some pizza." Most

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

We tend to outdo ourselves.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.

I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

I was never sure what Grimace was or why he was named after a pained facial expression.

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste. You

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!

That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.

Still waiting for the sequel, The Little Engine That Sought Revenge: Part Deux.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

Kids and disease are the gateway to faith.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.

French fries are like Crocs. You know you shouldn't, but your life is pretty much over anyway.

"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

I was born with a heart that was two sizes too small, but when I saw my baby, it was like the Grinch discovering the true meaning of Christmas.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up..it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. "What am I, a pioneer?

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.

Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a red-haired sushi chef with a southern accent.

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.