Jane Wagner Quotes

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas.

I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

My mom says I have to be more positive, and I say life has to be more positive too or it's just not going to work.

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

The truth can be made up if you know how.

Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu.

I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are.

Of all the things we've learned, we still haven't learned where did this desire to want to know come from?

It's hard to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the same time.

Nothing makes you realize you don't know what you want more than getting what you want.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

It's one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense.

Reality is just a collective hunch.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Unless you are at a picnic, life is no picnic.

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.

To me the term "sexual feedom" meant freedom from having sex

Like what's the point being a health nut by day if you're a coke head at night.

Sex is such a personal thing - why do we insist on sharing it with another person?

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.

What you try to bury just ends up burying you.

I may not be great at geometry but I know one theorum. The longest distance between two points is you and your parents.

To think we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth.

Infinity: Time on an ego trip.

At the moment you are most in awe of all there is about life that you don't understand, you are closer to understanding it all than at any other time.

People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to.

I feel like my life is just passing me by like two ships in the night. And I have missed both boats.

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.

I worry that humanity has been "advanced" to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle.

What is reality anyway! It's nothing but a collective hunch.

I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!

I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand.

When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading.

Frankly, goin' crazy was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't say it's for everybody; some people couldn't cope.