Eugene Mirman quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Eugene Mirman on Wise Famous Quotes.

On a quick side note, I would argue that
much like Samuel L. Jackson
I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys
either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book should be to you.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Marriage is not something you should do just because you want to have a stable life, it's something you should do because you've run out of options.

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles ... because I didn't know.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

Try not to wake up on fire.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.