Erma Bombeck Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Erma Bombeck on Wise Famous Quotes.
The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.
Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.
Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night ...
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
When a man's got cream in the refrigerator at home, he won't go out looking for two-percent butterfat.
My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.