Erma Bombeck Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Erma Bombeck on Wise Famous Quotes.

Erma Bombeck quotes: The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop? The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?
Erma Bombeck quotes: Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Erma Bombeck quotes: There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?' Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'
Erma Bombeck quotes: When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others. When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.
Erma Bombeck quotes: How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck quotes: Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
Erma Bombeck quotes: One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone. One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
Erma Bombeck quotes: It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture. It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
Erma Bombeck quotes: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Erma Bombeck quotes: There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck quotes: In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck quotes: As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
Erma Bombeck quotes: House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives. Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck quotes: If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged. Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
Erma Bombeck quotes: All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up. All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit. I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you. Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Erma Bombeck quotes: The term 'working mother' is redundant. The term 'working mother' is redundant.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it. Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
Erma Bombeck quotes: A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck quotes: After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery. After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.
Erma Bombeck quotes: There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever. Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Erma Bombeck quotes: There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'. There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not. Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Erma Bombeck quotes: A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused. A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
Erma Bombeck quotes: My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty. My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
Erma Bombeck quotes: To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate. Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Erma Bombeck quotes: My mind works ... two boobs never get me a job. My mind works ... two boobs never get me a job.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell. I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore. I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
Erma Bombeck quotes: A child needs your love most when he deserves it least A child needs your love most when he deserves it least
Erma Bombeck quotes: One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
Erma Bombeck quotes: A small waist makes you tire easily. A small waist makes you tire easily.
Erma Bombeck quotes: It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
Erma Bombeck quotes: It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night ... I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night ...
Erma Bombeck quotes: My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Children make your life important. Children make your life important.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna. Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Success is outliving your failures Success is outliving your failures
Erma Bombeck quotes: Never order food in excess of your body weight. Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species. Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
Erma Bombeck quotes: No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love. No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
Erma Bombeck quotes: When a man's got cream in the refrigerator at home, he won't go out looking for two-percent butterfat. When a man's got cream in the refrigerator at home, he won't go out looking for two-percent butterfat.
Erma Bombeck quotes: If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
Erma Bombeck quotes: [On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much. [On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much.
Erma Bombeck quotes: No One Diets on Thanksgiving. No One Diets on Thanksgiving.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids. Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
Erma Bombeck quotes: No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
Erma Bombeck quotes: My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water. Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
Erma Bombeck quotes: But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back. But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children. Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.
Erma Bombeck quotes: It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today. It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
Erma Bombeck quotes: She's as funny as a toothache She's as funny as a toothache
Erma Bombeck quotes: Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world. Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
Erma Bombeck quotes: My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Erma Bombeck quotes: When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later. When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
Erma Bombeck quotes: When humor go's, there go's civilization. When humor go's, there go's civilization.
Erma Bombeck quotes: There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids. There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket. Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
Erma Bombeck quotes: It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
Erma Bombeck quotes: You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan. You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick. Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer. I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Erma Bombeck quotes: I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment. I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.
Erma Bombeck quotes: What makes people laugh? ... It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. What makes people laugh? ... It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body. Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.
Erma Bombeck quotes: The grass is always greener over the septic tank. The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
Erma Bombeck quotes: There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck quotes: Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

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