Elayne Boosler Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Elayne Boosler on Wise Famous Quotes.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?