Elayne Boosler Quotes

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

The message of great art is to disturb.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?