I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head. 
Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince. 
I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers. 
I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle. 
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant. 
That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it. 
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf. 
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job. 
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things? 
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh. 
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby. 
I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy. 
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers. 
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron. 
What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone. 
I was not abandoned as a child. I left. 
There's estrogen running through my veins! 
I'm not racist, I've got a black president. 
Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry? 
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. 
When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that. 
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school. 
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it. 
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch. 
I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car. 
I would love to have acidy spit. 
I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian. 
I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today. 
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up. 
I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous. 
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion. 
Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot! 
It really drives me banana sangwich. 
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable. 
You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon. 
I won't take no for a question. 
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day. 
It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes. 
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you." 
Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. 
Are there glass shards in my anus? 
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. 
When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change. 
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop. 
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth. 
I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets. 
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens. 
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. 
I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show. 
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. 
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up ... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus. 
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi. 
Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh. 
Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win. 
There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes. 
You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act. 
I get so into the moment. 
I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids. 
I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology. 
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies. 
I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers. 
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist. 
Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person. 