Christopher Titus Quotes

Top 89 wise famous quotes and sayings by Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Christopher Titus on Wise Famous Quotes.

Christopher Titus quotes: Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same. Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus quotes: The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please? The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus quotes: You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot. You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Christopher Titus quotes: If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
Christopher Titus quotes: Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils. Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
Christopher Titus quotes: My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha. My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.
Christopher Titus quotes: My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus quotes: The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman. The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Christopher Titus quotes: How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions. How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
Christopher Titus quotes: My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on ... parole. And lithium. My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on ... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus quotes: I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos. I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Christopher Titus quotes: We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
Christopher Titus quotes: In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
Christopher Titus quotes: Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change. Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.
Christopher Titus quotes: Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh. Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Christopher Titus quotes: I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl. I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
Christopher Titus quotes: We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
Christopher Titus quotes: No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus quotes: My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab. My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
Christopher Titus quotes: I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet. I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus quotes: I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive. I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
Christopher Titus quotes: Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation. Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
Christopher Titus quotes: Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Christopher Titus quotes: Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men. Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
Christopher Titus quotes: We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different. We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
Christopher Titus quotes: If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend! If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus quotes: I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work. I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
Christopher Titus quotes: I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them. I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
Christopher Titus quotes: Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
Christopher Titus quotes: I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available. I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus quotes: The normal make a living. The deranged make history. The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
Christopher Titus quotes: I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function. I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
Christopher Titus quotes: Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett! Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!
Christopher Titus quotes: A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat. A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
Christopher Titus quotes: Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour? Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus quotes: Born free. Taxed to death. Born free. Taxed to death.
Christopher Titus quotes: Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus quotes: I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian. I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
Christopher Titus quotes: My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
Christopher Titus quotes: I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you. I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Christopher Titus quotes: Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter. Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.
Christopher Titus quotes: Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus quotes: Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards. Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
Christopher Titus quotes: After President Obama, President Rodriguez ... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better? After President Obama, President Rodriguez ... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
Christopher Titus quotes: I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon. I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus quotes: Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours. Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
Christopher Titus quotes: Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible. Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Christopher Titus quotes: My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus quotes: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Christopher Titus quotes: God bless America. But God, please help Canada. God bless America. But God, please help Canada.
Christopher Titus quotes: A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief. A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.
Christopher Titus quotes: Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader. Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
Christopher Titus quotes: Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus quotes: Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded. Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
Christopher Titus quotes: Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions. Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.
Christopher Titus quotes: They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus quotes: Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind. Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
Christopher Titus quotes: The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland! The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus quotes: Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program. Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
Christopher Titus quotes: Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Christopher Titus quotes: We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro. We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Christopher Titus quotes: Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize! Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
Christopher Titus quotes: Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol. Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
Christopher Titus quotes: Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Christopher Titus quotes: Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony. Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
Christopher Titus quotes: My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated. My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
Christopher Titus quotes: I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare. I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
Christopher Titus quotes: Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die? Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
Christopher Titus quotes: Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die? Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Christopher Titus quotes: Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester. Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
Christopher Titus quotes: Step up or step aside. Step up or step aside.
Christopher Titus quotes: The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... " The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... "
Christopher Titus quotes: I lost 28 pounds in my divorce ... because that's what a soul weighs. I lost 28 pounds in my divorce ... because that's what a soul weighs.
Christopher Titus quotes: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Christopher Titus quotes: If you're a racist, right now, in 2011 ... You just look like a retard, man. If you're a racist, right now, in 2011 ... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus quotes: For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure. For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
Christopher Titus quotes: Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description. Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
Christopher Titus quotes: If you ask my dad for help ... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time. If you ask my dad for help ... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
Christopher Titus quotes: My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Christopher Titus quotes: My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper. My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus quotes: Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
Christopher Titus quotes: We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light. We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Christopher Titus quotes: Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family ... Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family ...
Christopher Titus quotes: Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out. Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus quotes: My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
Christopher Titus quotes: Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good. Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
Christopher Titus quotes: Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down! Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Christopher Titus quotes: Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Christopher Titus quotes: Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'. Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

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