Bill Bailey quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Bill Bailey

Bill Bailey Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Bill Bailey on Wise Famous Quotes.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

In Unity there is strength;
We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life -
Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life ...

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently ...

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ... no eight!

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

This shed does not contain me.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I'm a sort of like post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat ... Ironically.