Artie Lange Quotes

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?

It's good to be alive.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.