Andy Kindler quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Andy Kindler

Andy Kindler Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Andy Kindler on Wise Famous Quotes.

From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.'

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

My big fear is that I'll put down so many people, I'll have to leave show biz.

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him.

I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man.

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.

I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold.

Can we all admit that 'Parks and Recreation' is horrible? Is this something we would all know, but don't say? Maybe everything should not be improv'd.

There are so many people who just want a flashy object in front of their eyes and don't want to think at all; I find that disturbing.

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

I always had a tremendous amount of rage about the business, and I thought turning that into comedy was healthy.

Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does onstage, but I can assure you, it's no act.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.

If everything was good, maybe I wouldn't have a career. I wouldn't have anything to make fun of.

My goal is to be exactly how I am offstage - although I realize I'm supposed to punctuate it with jokes.

Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact.

I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

I'm tired of demographic appeal being more important than talent. I want to fight against that.

I try to go out for everything. I go out for any acting stuff that comes up, and voice-over stuff.

When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.

I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.

I've given myself permission to say whatever's on my mind when I'm on stage.

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone.

I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage.

'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'

I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.

'Ambulatory' is my favorite word to use because it never gets a laugh.

I can open up any can of worms and get people upset.

I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn't funny.

I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it!

My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.

Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.