Zach Galifianakis quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Zach Galifianakis on Wise Famous Quotes.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, 'Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.'

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

I've never been in love ... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

My forte is awkwardness.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Head gear, plus acne equals ... table for one in the cafeteria.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron ... and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Tigers love pepper ... they hate cinnamon.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?

I call my balls the bush twins.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

My father used to beat me with his belt ... while it was still on him.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love ... And that's why I don't eat raisins.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes ... with salad tongs.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.