Tommy Cooper quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Tommy Cooper on Wise Famous Quotes.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

spoon, jar, jar jar spoon

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'