Tommy Cooper quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Tommy Cooper on Wise Famous Quotes.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Tommy Cooper quotes: I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Tommy Cooper quotes: So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Tommy Cooper quotes: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Tommy Cooper quotes: So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

Tommy Cooper quotes: Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Tommy Cooper quotes: My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper quotes: 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Tommy Cooper quotes: A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Tommy Cooper quotes: So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Tommy Cooper quotes: I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

Tommy Cooper quotes: So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Tommy Cooper quotes: A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper quotes: I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Tommy Cooper quotes: A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then

Tommy Cooper quotes: Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Tommy Cooper quotes: And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Tommy Cooper quotes: A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Tommy Cooper quotes: My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Tommy Cooper quotes: I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Tommy Cooper quotes: I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Tommy Cooper quotes: I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Tommy Cooper quotes: spoon, jar, jar jar spoon

spoon, jar, jar jar spoon

Tommy Cooper quotes: I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

Tommy Cooper quotes: You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

Tommy Cooper quotes: A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Tommy Cooper quotes: A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Tommy Cooper quotes: Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Tommy Cooper quotes: So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'