Sarah Silverman quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Sarah Silverman on Wise Famous Quotes.

I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.

I love children. I'm embarrassingly baby-crazy.

I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born.

I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.

I just think of myself as a comedian, really.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.

I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

I think Jews tend to hold me in fairly high regard.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.

I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.

I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.

This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.

[I'm] almost positive there is no God.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons ... which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece ...

I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.

Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.

People who call themselves divas ... you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated

I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.

I'd love to do drama if it was interesting.

I can see myself adopting. I'm not in a rush to do it. I'm 39, I know, but I do love kids, and I'm very good - I've got a lot of really good moves.

I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.

What are the chances there is a God, really?

I have no religion. But culturally I can't escape it; I'm very Jewish.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

She loved dogs, New York, television, children, friendship, sex, laughing, heartbreaking songs, marijuana, farts, and cuddling.

We deserve quality lives with equality.

When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.

I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.

Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.

The audience works as such a mob. They either all laugh or all don't laugh, and, you know, changes from audience to audience.

If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.

Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.

Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.

It's not cold in here, you're just dying.

The anxiety of being in Heather's stuff was stress-gravy on an already terror-filled plate.

I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.

The female nudity in movies is always sexualized.

If I have kids, I'll adopt.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.

We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.

Don't forget, God can see you masturbating. But don't stop. He's almost there.

Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.

Mommy is one of the chosen people ... and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!

A bull in just about any shop is gonna be a mess.

I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror ...

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.

When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

I never defend my material. Comedy is subjective.

If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer)

I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.

When you're a bed wetter there's only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they're hard to come by.

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.

I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.

I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.

When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties.

Smells definitely do have a crazy impact on me.

I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am - I'm white!

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

I like my life alone.

Comedy is about talking about my own experience, and I'm a woman, and that's my experience, and just because it isn't yours doesn't invalidate it.

I was a bedwetter until I was about 15, and it was humiliating.

I just don't let that mentality be a part of my world.

The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force.

I remembah when you whuh a tiny baby and I had to lift those tiny legs and wipe the SHIT out of you-ah tuchus. It was fuckin' disgustin'.

I was going to get an abortion the other day.
I totally wanted an abortion.
And it turns out I was just thirsty.

I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.

I'm not the marrying type, but I always want to be with someone who is a fan.

I had a lot of depression as a kid.

Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.