A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer. 
Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family. 
There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more. 
As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews. 
Two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy. 
My real life is funnier than anything on TV. 
My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it. 
I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous. 
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are. 
My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches. 
You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. 
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. 
I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way. 
My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes. 
Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones. 
One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa. 
I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess." 
Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to. 
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps. 
I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?' 
I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job. 
You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there. 
Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint. 
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian. 
Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians. 
There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin. 
You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. 
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear. 
Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things. 
A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either? 
Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it. 
I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy. 
Being nuts is its own reward. 
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? 
I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah. 
Abortion is a woman's right. 
I'm God because I have the power to control my mind. 
I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great. 
The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. 
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house. 
Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem. 
It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here. 
I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job. 
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job 
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. 
They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts! 
I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not. 
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. 
I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. 
Comedy is the only hope for humanity. 
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before. 
I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place. 
I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? 
You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park. 
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. 
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. 
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids. 
A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. 
Politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses. 
My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that. 
I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. 