You A Joke Quotes

Laugh a little when the joke's on you — Helen Gurley Brown

Any private security is a joke in a country where you're up against your own government. — Bidzina Ivanishvili

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? — Rita Rudner

It doesn't feel like you're preaching, if you can say something in a joke. — Martin McDonagh

I've always been a fan at home. That's the one joke I have with Sam [Champion]. "I've always loved you! I remember wanting to be you in grade school!" — Chris Cuomo

Everything about life is a joke. Don't you know that? — Kurt Vonnegut

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. — Jon Stewart

Sometimes in the studio movies I've been working in, you'll put a joke in a movie because the crowd loves it - not because I love it. — David Gordon Green

You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke. — Cinda Williams Chima

My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was. I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? — Alan Moore

Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn't tell you a joke. — Bob Newhart

You know where you can shove your joke. Just get me a new drink and try not to include and of your STD-laced body fluid in it this time. — Kim Harrington

My dear Boris, can you not take a joke?" "Was it a joke? — Agatha Christie

First of all, Saddam did not win the war, even though he says he did, I mean, you know, that's a joke and everybody in the world knows it. — Norman Schwarzkopf

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor. — Max Eastman

I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show. — Michael Phelps

You can't just explain a joke. Either it isn't funny, or the person just totally missed the punchline. — Cass McCombs

Don't make a film if it can't be the film you want to make. It's a joke, and a sick joke, and it'll kill you. — David Lynch

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it. — Quentin Tarantino

When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can't do that much longer. — Joan Van Ark

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense. — Alan Moore

A comic strip has a rhythm and a pattern, and you got to get in and out quick. So you set up a joke, tell the joke, and done. — Stephan Pastis

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. — Jonathan Tropper

If you can't laugh at your life, then your life is a punchline in a bad joke. — Andrew Barger

You make a joke out of everything.
Life's too painful not to. — Richelle Mead

Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves. — Matt Haig

[When] you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness. — Gwyneth Paltrow

If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke. — Kurt Vonnegut

A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap. — Kurt Vonnegut

The future of this nation, with the present generation, You must admit is nothing but a joke — Ira Gershwin

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding. — Lemony Snicket

I really like comedy. There's always a choice, when you're writing: you can either go for the joke or you can go for the story, the important stuff. — David Chase

Sometimes, the universe just does what the universe wants to do, and screw you if you can't take a joke. I — Elliott James

Crave, v.: Nothing makes me feel as welcome in the world as the sound of you laughing at a joke I've made. — David Levithan

Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more than almost anything else. — Isla Fisher

All of a sudden, making a Spanish-American War joke. I think you sort of had to go to probably to an American high school to have remembered that. — David Mandel

Thought you were making a James Band Joke. Hard to tell with that accent — G. Norman Lippert

Your blindness to my downfall,
Has gone too far to be a joke,
As I stand ablaze before you,
And you tell me you smell smoke. — Erin Hanson

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself. — Mike Wilmot

Your skin is white, but I think the white god made a mistake, or maybe he did it on purpose to play a joke. He gave you an Apache heart. — Ellen O'Connell

In a perfect
world I would be taller, you would be alive,
and chickens could cross the road without
being the subject of a joke. — Suzanne Wrightt

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy. — Bob Saget

Guys will definitely settle for women who get the joke. But a woman who can make you laugh? It's not high on a guy's must list. Perhaps it should be. — Hank Azaria

Adults always teased me about having boyfriends, but there was an age where it was no longer a joke, the idea that boys might actually want you. — Emma Cline

What happens when you tell an egg a joke? A: — Chrissy Voeg

Taking the time to polish a pun or fine-tune a practical joke is a way of saying, 'I'm thinking about you and I want to please you.' — Andrew Hudgins

When bad things happen, I know you want to believe they are a joke, But sometimes life is scary and dark. That is why we must find the light. — Adventure Time

You know, there's a joke in there somewhere. A Highlander, a Viking, and a Samurai walk into a bar. — N.R. Walker

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines. — S.A. Tawks

Nora & Patch:
N:Is everything a joke to you?
P:Not everything.
N:Like what?
P:You. — Becca Fitzpatrick

The music from my youth has aged poorly and is now like a joke out of context. You had to be there. — Jonathan Tropper

Loneliness is holding in a joke because you have no one to share it with. — Neil Strauss

A joke was not a single-use item but something you brought out again and again until it fell apart in your hand like a cheap umbrella. — David Nicholls

Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke. — Brandon Nolta

I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn't work, you can't force it to. — Nick Kroll

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression. — Bill Bryson

No, that part's not true! That's a joke-lie. I'm not going to lie to you in this story because I want you to know that the rest of it is true. — Tina Fey

You never know when you'll have a bad idea for a worse joke. — Benjamin Walker

If you find you are not understanding my explaination for a joke, hit F5 on your browser and the page will refresh and I will explain it again. — Ryan North

You've no idea how good an old joke sounds when you take it out again after a rest of five or six hundred years. — C.S. Lewis

Hey, that's life, flick it off if you can't take a joke. — Neil Gaiman

It used to bother me when people called me a pussy. But the joke's on them - after all, you are what you eat! — Jon Schmidt

In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University. — Tony Randall

The opening scene in A New Hope, when you see the huge ship, it goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on ... that is like a joke of awesomeness. — Cass Sunstein

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?
A trifle. — Joseph Rosenbloom

But that's why you pay for insurance, right? If you never file a claim, then they've beaten you. — Jonathan Tropper

Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel. — Bill Burr

Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins. — Henry Ward Beecher

I like to joke that if I had a dollar for everybody who slapped me on the back and said, 'Hey Jeb, you're all set,' I'd be retired now. — Jeb Bradley

If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined. — Karen Traviss

I made a man out of you, you made a joke out of me. — Crystal Evans

(Finland is a famously introverted nation. Finnish joke: How can you tell if a Finn likes you? He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.) — Susan Cain

Look at you making a joke! You're funny. No wonder Carmine fell in love with you. — J.M. Darhower

I think it's natural if you're doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure out the real version of the joke. — Judy Greer

I'm not the comedy police, but you watch a movie, and everyone's laughing, and then you shake it out, and you realize, 'There's no joke there!' — Maria Semple

You might like it as a joke or because you liked it then, but there isn't a whole new generation discovering Wham!. — Rob Zombie

If you can't afford housing then the right to vote is a bad joke. — Kim Stanley Robinson

You can dissect a joke just as you can a frog. But it tends to die on you. — E.B. White

I like a woman who will laugh when you don't have to point her right at the joke, you know — Stephen King

[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror. — Jimmy Fallon

You really should learn how to take a joke, as easily as you take a dick."

-Shirley — Charli McBride

I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. — Milton Berle

When something makes no sense, sometimes you make something of it. A joke. A spiritual practice. A life. — Heather Sellers

When you have a tough childhood, you either cry or make a joke. — Elizabeth Rodriguez

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? — Steven Wright

I'll be the first to admit it, the life I'm leading is basically a joke. I should probably be cooler about it, but I can't fake it, you know? — Andy Roddick

I've come to feel very strongly, not as a joke, that if you appoint a committee of more than four people, their efficiency starts to deteriorate. — Charlton Heston

Sometimes she talked like a poet; she made a little joke of it, so that you wouldn't mind. — Joan D. Vinge

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up. — Aziz Ansari

oh jesus. that is not a good joke Madeline: Made you smile though. Olly: yeah it did — Nicola Yoon

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy. — Garrison Keillor

A professional writer is a joke. You write because you can't do anything else, and then you have another job. — Jamaica Kincaid

If you can't make a joke at a time like this, what's the point of living? — Chloe Neill

Joke in book:
You know the difference between a brownnoser and a shithead, right? Depth perception. — Elisabeth Naughton

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? — George Bernard Shaw

Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. — Howie Carr

- I'm a Neuroscientist.
- What's that? What do you study?
- I study your brain! — Vardan Hambardzumyan

Why are you making a joke out of this?" she asks.
"Because it's stupid, Nik. There's not even room in my day to think about someone else. — Simone Elkeles

I think you need to have the guts to not use comedy. Often, the people that work in comedy use a joke to avoid contemplation. — Steve Coogan

No, I will not make out with you." Her red lips curled up. "Did you just try to make a joke, Madam Prosecutor?" I smirked. — Eliza Lentzski