Witty Funny Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Witty Funny
Witty Funny Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Witty Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"
— Robert Breault
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
— Edith Summerskill, Baroness Summerskill
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
— George Burns
As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.
— Mary Wortley Montagu
-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
— Terry Pratchett
I may just be on the outskirts of being okay.
— Pawan Mishra
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
— Billy Connolly
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought
— Robert Breault
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
— Ogden Nash
Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.
— Johnny Depp
You promise?""I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now. — Derek Landy
Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.
— Amit Kalantri
The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.
— David C. Holley
Tell them to stand closer apart.
— Samuel Goldwyn
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
— Conan O'Brien
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
— George Carlin
Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.
— Mignon McLaughlin
Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink.
— Scott Lynch
Pickup lines never work ... I think someone clever, witty and funny is very attractive.
— Kate Upton
I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.
— Woody Allen
He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.
— Derek Landy
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
— Groucho Marx
I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
— Will Rogers
I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen.
— Holly Hood
Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.
— Candace C. Bowen
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
— Francois De La Rochefoucauld
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.
— Joan Didion
I love making friends ... it's people I can't stand.
— Linus Torvalds
Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
— Robert A. Heinlein
You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.
— Amit Kalantri
Freud is all nonsense; the secret of neurosis is to be found in the family battle of wills to see who can refuse the longest to help with the dishes.
— Julian Mitchell
Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.
— Chuck Palahniuk
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
— Finley Peter Dunne
Between funny and wittyFalls the shadow — Stephen Fry
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
— Benjamin Franklin
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge
— Robert Breault
When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account ...
— Hiroko Sakai
When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.
— Amit Kalantri
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.
— Corey Ford
He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable
— Emma Goldrick
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
— Larry Gelbart
The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.
— Robert Brault
Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.
— Zane Stumpo
Laurence the last time I saw something like you I flushed it away.
— Mark A. Cooper
And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese
— Lucian Bane
The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white.
— Gail Carriger
Men weigh love with hands.
— Ljupka Cvetanova
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.
— James Dashner
He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.
— Ljupka Cvetanova
I love people; it's mankind I can't stand.
— Charles M. Schulz
The equation for ego is: One over Knowledge.
— Albert Einstein
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there
— Will Rogers
I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.
— Robert De Niro
Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.
— James Dashner
You're impossible," she told him. "Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. — David Eddings
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
— Suzanne Collins
Witty and mean is easy - but fond and funny is hard.
— Steven Moffat
Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
The phone beeped - M fine but these two guys R on me like cougars on Adam Lambert.
— Elisabeth Staab
How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?" Laurence whined."I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. — Mark A. Cooper
She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!
— Ljupka Cvetanova
I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner!
— Jasleen Kaur Gumber
I've often been criticised, but never critically wounded
— Johnny Rich
I can see why they named that ballet the Nutcracker. It's gotta hurt having 'em crushed in something that tight.
— Mark A. Cooper
When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ...
— Hiroko Sakai
Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.
— Oscar Wilde
(About a cookbook ... )- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. — Terry Pratchett
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
— Freddie Mercury