Vampire Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Vampire Humor

Vampire Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Vampire Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

That's rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would've thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander) — Sharon Hannaford

If we adopted Jack," I quip, "we'd have to give him combat pay for an allowance — Daven Anderson

You're Giving me a ... stick
MaryL to a very dangerious vampire — L.J.Smith

I entered his apartment without being invited, which is perfectly fine if you're not a vampire. — Lisa Lutz

What kind of monster are you anyway? You should be more humane, Gennady!"
"I was humane when I was alive," said the vampire. — Sergei Lukyanenko

Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck- — Kerrelyn Sparks

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Humanity was a passing notion to him; something he liked to try on for size and model in the dressing room, but never actually felt compelled to buy. — Jane Bled

Yeah, I write Urban Fantasy, but its more like Die Hard or Indiana Jones with Fairies, Mummies and a Vampire who uses guns more than his teeth. — Kevin James Breaux

You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control. — Jayde Scott

I can still feel my legs, thanks for asking. My back's not even hurt that badly. Only as though I was just hit by a train. — Jayde Scott

This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did."
I frowned, "What's that?"
"Homework. — Richelle Mead

When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat. — Daven Anderson

Ah, vampire humor. Thank God it never got old, said no one ever. — Chloe Neill

Typically, I prefer to gag my own men. I'd never considered having them delivered to me that way. — Dez Schwartz

Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid. — Kim Harrison

Oh, shut up Hagan. I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for me. I don't want your blood getting all over my outfit. — J.L. McCoy

I'd said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass. — Richelle Mead

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire's coffin? - Shella — Krista Alasti

I stood up in a flash and flushed a light shade of furious. — J.L. McCoy

I just didn't feel old enough to have children...I had my hands full with a vampire, thank you very much. — L.J. Hayward

My God," Davis said, shaking his head. "The tools of the modern vampire hunter - electric lights and cocaine. — Simon Clark

Um, she'll take your number if you're single — J.L. McCoy

What's up with you? I can't remember when I've ever heard you so affected by a woman. Sure you didn't prong her with the sharps and the blunt? — Laurie London

Playing with fire Kitten? — Jeaniene Frost

I mean, electric shock? Isn't that a bit ... electric shock-y? — Emmett Spain

Sorry. Didn't mean to step on any dead toes. — J.L. McCoy

You walk like a duck with a wet diaper on.'
Anita Blake Vampire Hunter — Laurell K. Hamilton

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey. — Patricia Briggs

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they're out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy. — Daven Anderson

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil. — Molly Harper

You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile. — Rachel Caine

I'm glad to know you have a sense of humor." "I'm a vampire, not a zombie." "Good to know. — Chloe Neill

Henry held up his taco- formerly Vlad's- and grinned. " Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius."
pg248 Henry to Vlad & Joss — Heather Brewer

Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space. — Kim Harrison

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn't an option anymore. — T.A. Miles

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one's better in bed. — Jeaniene Frost

I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire. — Jim Butcher

You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you. — Jeaniene Frost

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it? — Kami Garcia

A line of perspiration slipped down my spine like a waterslide at an unamusement park. — Michelle Rowen

How does one address ... the master of the vampire executioners? My lord? Your grace? Your stakeness? — Colleen Gleason

Seriously, I 've got to know if I need to protect you from people running with pencils." ~ Laney — Joann I. Martin Sowles

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays. — M. Beth Bloom

The shirt says; 'I bite.' You prick, not 'I blo — Antoinette Houston

He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas. — A. Lee Martinez

I'll just stay ten feet away from him at all times so I don't accidentally trip and fall and land lips first on his mouth. — J.L. McCoy

My Gullah grandfather is bringing a bag of dust to a vampire war. I feel better. — Elle Jasper

The vampire who lived here was either a total loser or really liked the monster image. Really, if he couldn't be a rich vampire, then he was a moron. — Caroline Hanson

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. — Jim Butcher

If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle! — Kresley Cole

I spent the next fifteen minutes convincing a crying werewolf that I wasn't going to hurt her. My life was getting too strange, even for me. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords. — Cassandra Clare

They'll torture you for months before killing you if you run Otis shrugged, as if this was an everyday occurrence. — Heather Brewer

Very touching," said a voice from the stairway. "Do you want me to imitate a violin?" - Damon — L.J.Smith

He's a he. I mean he's a guy. He's your mate. Oh my God you're gay!" Aleks exclaimed. Liam slapped himself on the forehead. — Alanea Alder

Oh hell no," he exclaimed, shaking his head. "I'm not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you. — D.L. Wainright

It's not wrong to hustle hustlers. It's like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore — L.J.Smith

Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville. — Rachel Caine

I know I say people suck, but I didn't mean it literally. — J.D. Robb

I left the Shire,
got 7 outstanding N.E.W.T.'s
and became a Vampire;
Because Winter is Coming... — Various

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby. — J.L. McCoy

You look like the vamp who bled the cat. — Kim Harrison

Great. There goes our security deposit."
~ Sean — Dianne Duvall

Raphael laughed, and she threw a cookie at him. Of course, he caught it smoothly and tossed it back at her. Stupid vampire. — D.B. Reynolds

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross? — Richard Matheson

There goes the world's wimpiest vampire. — Heather Swain

First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard. — Jeaniene Frost

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that. -Aphrodite — P.C. Cast

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes - 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea ... almost got shagged ... cuppa tea'? — Marti Noxon, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall. — Derek Landy

Kitty need's a tounge bath — Jeaniene Frost

It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon. — Karen Chance

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren't literally made of fire. — Michelle Rowen

The batteries in his radio died and came back so often they could have had regular roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. — Nevada Barr

Nick: How? Are you a vampire or something? What made you immortal?
Acheron: Real good DNA. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

The Bloodsucker Queen has lived for what, a millennium? She can wait on her decaying ass a little while longer. — Heather Heffner

What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan's big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass. — J.L. McCoy

You can run from the grave, but you can't hide. — Jeaniene Frost

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas. — Neil Gaiman

Can you enter a house uninvited?"
"No."
"Why?"
"That would be rude. — Abigail Gibbs

Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire. — Rachel Caine

Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much? — Jeaniene Frost

When it comes to love triangles and duels to the death, you should always cheat. - Fairy Werewolf vs. Zombie Vampire — Charlie Jane Anders

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal. — Charlaine Harris

Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise. — J.R. Ward

You know ... acting like a dick ... won't make yours any bigger. — J.L. McCoy

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. — Carrie Vaughn

It didn't feel sporting to shoot at a crazy person, even if that person was a vampire who'd agreed to the job. — Gail Carriger

A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor. — Anne Rice

You know those vampire myths? Bollocks to them. — Rosemary A. Johns

Lovely Arra Sails,
nectar to all males,
how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale! — Darren Shan

I doubted vampire stuff would work on my disembodied father. He might have been a soulless bastard, but he was not an actual vampire. — Devon Monk

That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?" Marshall smirked. "Woe is me. — Sophie Avett

She took hold of him through his pants. I want this inside me five minutes ago. — Amber Belldene

It had been a contest between the vampire and an Uzi. The Uzi had won. — D.B. Reynolds

I got the sneaking suspicion that the vampire was a couple of Peeps short of an Easter basket. — Jim Butcher

I don't want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into. — Nalini Singh

Hang up the phone on a vampire, the definition of carefree. — Steve Aylett

Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass — Daven Anderson