Tosh.o Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Tosh.o

Tosh.o Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Tosh.o quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. — Daniel Tosh

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones. — Daniel Tosh

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. — Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides. — Daniel Tosh

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart. — Daniel Tosh

Load of old tosh," said Peter, crossly. — Neil Gaiman

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. — Daniel Tosh

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. — Daniel Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

I am good. I live good. I think good. I don't have to feel good to be good, I take my goodness wherever I go. — Peter Tosh

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. — Daniel Tosh

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog. — Daniel Tosh

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. — Daniel Tosh

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes? — Daniel Tosh

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state. — Daniel Tosh

I am not a politician ... I only suffer the consequences. — Peter Tosh

My philosophy is: if you don't bear a cross, you can't wear a crown so you gotta go through some form of humiliation to reach tribulation. — Peter Tosh

Peace is a certificate you get in the grave. — Peter Tosh

When I play for the people, every time I play for my audience they are hypnotized, seen. These guys know the potential of the music. — Peter Tosh

If I wasn't a singer, I'd be a bloodclaat revolutionary. — Peter Tosh

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. — Daniel Tosh

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not honest, but you're interesting! — Daniel Tosh

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman. — Daniel Tosh

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys. — Daniel Tosh

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. — Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. — Daniel Tosh

Reggae must be lived, not played. It is a lifebeat everytime, mon — Peter Tosh

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. — Daniel Tosh

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all — Daniel Tosh

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me. — Daniel Tosh

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. — Daniel Tosh

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? — Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young. — Daniel Tosh

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. — Daniel Tosh

Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one. — Daniel Tosh

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave. — Daniel Tosh

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. — Daniel Tosh

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English. — Daniel Tosh

Everyone's trying to reach the top. Tell me how far is it from the bottom. — Peter Tosh

I don't think the label cares about an album ... People just want their number-one record. — Peter Tosh

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee. — Daniel Tosh

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid? — Daniel Tosh

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. — Daniel Tosh

It is only the TRUTH that can make a man FREE, it is only the TRUTH that can make a man LIVE. — Peter Tosh

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. — Daniel Tosh

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected. — Daniel Tosh

Scattergories is second base for Christians. — Daniel Tosh

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. — Daniel Tosh

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again. — Daniel Tosh

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. — Daniel Tosh

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. — Daniel Tosh

Describe your perfect man who looks like me ... — Daniel Tosh

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! — Daniel Tosh

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. — Daniel Tosh

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. — Daniel Tosh

My publisher, who was so good as a taster and editor, when she became a writer, lo and behold, it was all this feminine tosh. — V.S. Naipaul

I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. — Daniel Tosh

To have the truth in your possession you can be found guilty, sentenced to death. — Peter Tosh

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. — Daniel Tosh

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

I man don't come red, I come Black — Peter Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. — Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing. — Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

I don't need no peace. I need equal rights and justice. — Peter Tosh

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. — Daniel Tosh

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. — Daniel Tosh

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. — Daniel Tosh

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth. — Daniel Tosh

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. — Daniel Tosh

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die ... not sorry. — Daniel Tosh

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. — Daniel Tosh

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. — Daniel Tosh

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? — Daniel Tosh

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it. — Daniel Tosh

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck — Daniel Tosh

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. — Daniel Tosh

To be coordinated with the power of balance, your mind and your temple must be running parallel. — Peter Tosh

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. — Daniel Tosh

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. — Daniel Tosh

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school. — Daniel Tosh

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh

If the music does not penetrate the heart, the soul, the mind, and the body ... Then you ain't gon' feel it. — Peter Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh