Today's Funny Quotes
Collection of top 44 famous quotes about Today's Funny
Today's Funny Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Today's Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!
— John Green
My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.
— Nenia Campbell
Google, Facebook helps people than people helps people, in today's world
— Jeevagan Nagarajan
Hervey (Weinstein) thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today
— Jennifer Lawrence
Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.
— William Safire
I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.
— Richelle Mead
Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.
— Lora Leigh
Today vegetables. Tomorrow...the world!
— Deborah Howe
Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
— Stephen Colbert
Funny, I don't feel any more powerful today than yesterday.
— Jerry B. Jenkins
Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles.
— Katie McGrath
You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.
— Cuthbert Soup
Dammit. I think I'm in like with the naked man I met today.
— R.J. Gonzales
They want to talk to you tomorrow.""Tomo ... " Chase choked on the word. "As in the day after today?"
"Is there any other kind? — Adrienne Wilder
Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border.
— Ronald Reagan
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
— Tommy Cooper
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
— Zach Galifianakis
The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.
— Jerry Coleman
Germany are a very difficult team to play ... they have eleven internationals out there today.
— Steve Lomas
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.
— Jerry Coleman
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
— Johnny Carson
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
— Craig Ferguson
Some days you were the bitch and some days you were shit that came out of the bitch's toy poodle. Today was one of those days I was the latter.
— Stacey Marie Brown
I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.
— Kevin Keegan
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
— Steven Wright
Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
— Aristotle.
Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.
— Jerry Coleman
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
— Denis Leary
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
— Tommy Cooper
