The Day Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about The Day Funny

The Day Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational The Day Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Internet's been down most of the day [at work]. Doing research by just asking everyone what we remember to be true. What could possibly go wrong? — Rachel Maddow

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. — Jean De La Bruyere

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do" — Robert Breault

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne — Dan Ariely

Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids — Harvey MacKay

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. — Tommy Cooper

Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it. — Robert Breault

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! — Rodney Dangerfield

It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day. — Lady Victoria Hervey

The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home. — Joseph Gordon-Levitt

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. — Tommy Cooper

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical. — Jerry Seinfeld

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. — George Carlin

He also gave me some advice that I follow to this day: Sing in the mirror. If it looks funny, it's wrong. — Renee Fleming

It's in our own lives, every single day, whether we recognize it as funny at the moment or not. — Sean Astin

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day. — Frankie Boyle

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor. — Craig Ferguson

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink. — Scott Lynch

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live. — Shannon L. Alder

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.' — Adam Ferrara

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion. — Honore Gabriel Riqueti, Comte De Mirabeau

I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother. — Charlie Day

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. — Will Rogers

As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless. — Lord Chesterfield

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. — Courteney Cox

I try to hook you up every day. What's the point of calendars without dates? — Lauren Kate

One day instead the old woman said kind words to her and gave her an awning on a stick to keep rain off (there has been much rain in purgatorium) — Ali Smith

Funny how the nature of a normal day is the first memory to fade. — Lionel Shriver

My wife's a loving, funny, Irish-spirited person, and I'm still surprised at some of the things she says. She makes me laugh every day. — Gary Sinise

Isn't it funny how the slightest glance or the tiniest touch can ameliorate the discomforts of even the coldest day. — Patrick Stevens

I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. — Kevin Hart

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. — Steven Wright

Lettuce mustard our strength, celery-brate and have bun while I scream, relish the day! — Tom Althouse

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky - then toss your phone into the bushes. — Waylon H. Lewis

I tell you, it's funny because the only time I think about HIV is when I have to take my medicine twice a day. — Magic Johnson

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis

To say my day was not going well, would be like saying the French Revolution had been a bit troublesome for Marie Antoinette. — Nichole Chase

Day drag." Ashley answered simply. "The sun turns vampires into dust and drag queens into this." He motioned with his hand down his body. — Kyle Adams

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. — Tommy Cooper

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day. — Darby Conley

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it. — Mark W. Boyer

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously. — Criss Jami

At the end of the day I'm writing comedy. If you get too realistic as a comedy writer with your disasters, it stops being funny. — Simon Rich

What about Monday? That could be our one day we look at things the same way, and wear funny shoes. — Kevin Dalton

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there. — Sandra Bullock

That old funny-shaped bit of wood is still staring me in the face every day saying 'come on, you haven't started yet!' It's infinite. — Jeff Beck

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. — Santosh Kalwar

They want to talk to you tomorrow."
"Tomo ... " Chase choked on the word. "As in the day after today?"
"Is there any other kind? — Adrienne Wilder

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright

One day ladies will take their computers for walks in the park and tell each other, "My little computer said such a funny thing this morning". — Alan Turing

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. — Lewis Black

Christ, they'd be getting a cat next. He mentally recoiled from the idea: the day they did that, he'd cut off his dick and call himself a lesbian. — Kate Aaron

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. — Rowan Atkinson

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding! — Jeff Foxworthy

Judging by everyone's excitement, this day will always be remembered at the loading dock as the day 'Larry made it on the internet'. — Brandon Stanton

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle. — Kenny D. Eichenberg

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
No one's immune to bribery. — Joanne Harris

It's funny because I grew up with the T.V. on 24 hours a day. And the more money I made, the more T.V.s we had. — Gaby Hoffmann

I've seen all the Judd Apatow movies, and I'd love to have a really funny little part in one of them some day. — Miranda Cosgrove

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. — Solange Nicole

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch — Keisha Keenleyside

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire. — Harriet Evans

My own brother calling me a brickhead. Sneering faeries insulting me. Women punching me in the face. How much more am I to swallow in one bloody day? — Nora Roberts

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever." — Zach Galifianakis

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day? — J.R.R. Tolkien

In the morning, people have a plan for that day. Hardworking people think of what they will do during the day, and idle people on what they should do. — Eraldo Banovac

If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater. — Steve Coogan

Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day. — Seth MacFarlane

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee. — Kelly Moran

The funny thing about the boy who gave away his loaves and fish is that he, too, ended the day with a full stomach. — Mark Hart

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? — Carroll Bryant

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. — George Carlin

CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun ... and live to tell about it the next day. — Ronda Thompson

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day. — H. L. Hunt

My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before. — Various

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. — David Letterman

I think maybe to survive, I mean to just get through the day - I'm not saying that everything is hilariously funny. — Roz Chast

Ohh, how clever," Aden said and clapped. "A death threat. You know what's funny? That's not even my first of the day. — Gena Showalter

Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day. — Jennifer Aniston

On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary." — Yogi Berra

Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ... — E.A. Bucchianeri

Obviously she's the kind of woman who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I prefer to assume bad stuff first; correct it later. — Heather Day Gilbert

Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office. — Jerry Coleman

When you live in a city, as I do, where violence is really in the streets, and people die every day, there's nothing funny about it. — Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. — Al Gore

But we don't do things like that!" said Vimes. "You can't go around arresting the Thieves' Guild. I mean, we'd be at it all day! — Terry Pratchett

Well, the funny thing is, you are never the same person that you were the day before. — Jon Foreman

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine

It's funny how people who we fight with the most at the end of day are the ones that really got your back. — Jasmine V

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't. — Steven Wright

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller

It's funny being the big news every day - and the good news every day. — Charlie Adam

It's funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they've changed completely. — Nancy Gibbs

Our parents would not be 'The best parents in the world' (to us) if they were not our parents. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say. — Gwen Stefani

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. — Kristen Schaal

Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them. — Steve Coogan

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get. — Timothy J. Russert