Steven Wright Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Steven Wright quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together? — Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. — Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. — Steven Wright

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. — Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? — Steven Wright

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out. — Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. — Steven Wright

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. — Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? — Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. — Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. — Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. — Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. — Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting". — Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? — Steven Wright

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? — Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge ... you can't hear him talk. — Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote. — Steven Wright

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? — Steven Wright

My secret to staying young ... Having no sense of time. — Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. — Steven Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. — Steven Wright

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. — Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. — Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' — Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. — Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese. — Steven Wright

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. — Steven Wright

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards. — Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn't have that much time. — Steven Wright

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. — Steven Wright

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. — Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? — Steven Wright

Day One: Still tired from the move. — Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Wright

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? — Steven Wright

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out. — Steven Wright

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. — Steven Wright

What is another name for a Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough. — Steven Wright

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. — Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? — Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. — Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. — Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world ... perhaps you've seen it. — Steven Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. — Steven Wright

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. — Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda — Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright

is it good if a vacume really sucks? — Steven Wright

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country. — Steven Wright

Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"? — Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. — Steven Wright

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? — Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. — Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. — Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? — Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. — Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. — Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? — Steven Wright

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. — Steven Wright

I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property. — Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. — Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' — Steven Wright

I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon. — Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country ... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip ... I don't remember what it was ... — Steven Wright

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? — Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. — Steven Wright

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for. — Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. — Steven Wright

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? — Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest. — Steven Wright

I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. — Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! — Steven Wright

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? — Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? — Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? — Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' — Steven Wright

If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell. — Steven Wright

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure. — Steven Wright

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. — Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. — Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? — Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. — Steven Wright

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? — Steven Wright

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? — Steven Wright