Steven Wright Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Steven Wright quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I rented a lottery ticket. I won a

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Support bacteria - they're the only culture some

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I went to the fights, and a hockey

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I kept a diary right after I was

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: How many people does it take to change

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: It's a good thing we have gravity or

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: You know how it is when you're walking

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I was born by Caesarian section ... but

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting". — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If you melt dry ice in a pool

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: George is a radio announcer, and when he

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge ... you can't hear him talk. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Some friends of mine got me a sweater

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I wish, when I was first born, the

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why are there five syllables in the word

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: My secret to staying young ... Having no

My secret to staying young ... Having no sense of time. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I was always making my friends laugh, but

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Like other kids wanted to become firemen or

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: It's a small world, but I wouldn't want

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: My doctor told me I shouldn't work out

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If everything seems to be going well, you

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I used to work at a health food

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: The early bird may get the worm, but

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I saw a bank that said '24 Hour

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn't have that much time. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why don't they make the whole plane out

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Day One: Still tired from the move.

Day One: Still tired from the move. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Everywhere is walking distance if you have the

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I put instant coffee in a microwave oven

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: My school colors were clear. We used to

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If a word in the dictionary were mispelled,

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: It is like putting a dehumidifier and a

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I put a new engine in my car,

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: What is another name for a Thesaurus?

What is another name for a Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: The hardness of the butter is proportional to

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I have a quantum car. Every time I

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If you are in a spaceship that is

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I just got out of the hospital. I

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Five out of four people have trouble with

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I have the world's largest collection of seashells.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world ... perhaps you've seen it. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I like to talk about lint and coasters,

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Last night I fell asleep in a satellite

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I saw a small bottle of cologne and

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: is it good if a vacume really sucks?

is it good if a vacume really sucks? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an

Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why do they call it the Department of

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: When I was in school the teachers told

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Winny would spend all of his time practicing

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: When everything is coming your way, you're in

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why do psychics have to ask you for

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: They say we're 98% water. We're that close

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I think God's going to come down and

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Is it weird in here, or is it

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Imagine how weird phones would look if your

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I bought a cheap piece of land ...

I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: My theory of evolution is that Darwin was

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: When I woke up this morning my girlfriend

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I'm actually writing a short story about a

I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Last year we drove across the country ...

Last year we drove across the country ... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip ... I don't remember what it was ... — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why do scientists call it research when looking

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I took a course in speed waiting. Now

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... one

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I washed a sock. Then I put it

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I don't like politicians, and I don't like

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I haven't changed at all. I'm the same

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why is the third hand on a watch

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Do you think that when they asked George

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I went to the museum where they had

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I watched the Indy 500, and I was

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I remember when the candle shop burned down.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than

If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Last night I played a blank tape at

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Do the people in Australia call the rest

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? — Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes By Steven Wright: Why buy a product that it takes 2000

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? — Steven Wright