Stephen Colbert Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Stephen Colbert quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.
— Stephen Colbert
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
— Stephen Colbert
The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.
— Stephen Colbert
With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.
— Stephen Colbert
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
— Stephen Colbert
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
— Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
— Stephen Colbert
You have a firm grasp of the obvious.
— Stephen Colbert
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
— Stephen Colbert
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
— Stephen Colbert
Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.
— Stephen Colbert
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
— Stephen Colbert
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
— Stephen Colbert
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
— Stephen Colbert
If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
— Stephen Colbert
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
— Stephen Colbert
Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
— Stephen Colbert
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
— Stephen Colbert
Divorce is marital welfare.It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.
— Stephen Colbert
I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
— Stephen Colbert
Don't cry over spilled milkget angry and punch a cow. — Stephen Colbert
I scream, you scream, we all scream ... for the truth.
— Stephen Colbert
I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
— Stephen Colbert
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
— Stephen Colbert
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
— Stephen Colbert
You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
— Stephen Colbert
I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
— Stephen Colbert
We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
— Stephen Colbert
At every moment, we are volunteers.
— Stephen Colbert
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
— Stephen Colbert
Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
— Stephen Colbert
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.
— Stephen Colbert
I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.
— Stephen Colbert
I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
— Stephen Colbert
Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.
— Stephen Colbert
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
— Stephen Colbert
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
— Stephen Colbert
Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
— Stephen Colbert
The lead singer of Creed says he won't endorse President Obama. Well that settles it Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. — Stephen Colbert
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
— Stephen Colbert
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
— Stephen Colbert
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality".
— Stephen Colbert
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
— Stephen Colbert
Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
— Stephen Colbert
For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
— Stephen Colbert
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
— Stephen Colbert
Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.
— Stephen Colbert
Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.
— Stephen Colbert
History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
— Stephen Colbert
I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
— Stephen Colbert
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
— Stephen Colbert
If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
— Stephen Colbert
I love making observations. That one is a classic example.
— Stephen Colbert
If you like Battlestar Galactica ... you're probably a huge nerd.
— Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! — Stephen Colbert
Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
— Stephen Colbert
You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
— Stephen Colbert
If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people.
— Stephen Colbert
Why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
— Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
— Stephen Colbert
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
— Stephen Colbert
If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.
— Stephen Colbert
I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.
— Stephen Colbert
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.
— Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade ... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
— Stephen Colbert
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
— Stephen Colbert
Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.
— Stephen Colbert
Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
— Stephen Colbert
I love being onstage.
— Stephen Colbert
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday.
— Stephen Colbert
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
— Stephen Colbert
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
— Stephen Colbert
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
— Stephen Colbert
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
— Stephen Colbert
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.
— Stephen Colbert
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
— Stephen Colbert
I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote
— Stephen Colbert
I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.
— Stephen Colbert
You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.
— Stephen Colbert
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
— Stephen Colbert
If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
— Stephen Colbert
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
— Stephen Colbert
I can't prove it, but I can say it.
— Stephen Colbert
Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.
— Stephen Colbert
(on fox news) ... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
— Stephen Colbert
All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.
— Stephen Colbert
I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."
— Stephen Colbert
Baby carrots are making me gay.
— Stephen Colbert
We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
— Stephen Colbert
We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.
— Stephen Colbert
The more you know, the sadder you get.
— Stephen Colbert
Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.
— Stephen Colbert
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
— Stephen Colbert
